A whole new world

So I was really upset those 2 days. What a waste of my precious time.

Think about it. A friend, who remained to be your true friend for 2 years, leaves you aside for her newly-found boyfriend, who she is in love truly, madly, deeply. It's absurd. Who would fall for that? I know I did. And you guessed it: it sucked.

It's the end of it finally. I don't know what she wants to do. Neither do I know whether I can forgive her for all the lies she's told me, all the promises she's broken, not being true at all. Look at it this way: Previously, she treated friends equally, but with different levels of sincerity, with respect to the friendship factor (as in who is more important in one's life than the other). I am one of her best friends. She admitted it herself too. Now, it's totally different. Her boyfriend on the highest level, and all her other friends, regardless of levelling, on the bottom. I can't accept that. I try to, but I can't. It's ridiculous. She mentioned that she wouldn't be a 100% lover, and it isn't what it seems now. She's having a lot of problems too, but now, none of them matter to me anymore.

While I was showering this morning (I was out straight after I woke up for breakfast, and talked to her, which made me upset again), I knew I had to change. I can't dwell on this problem any longer. I've got other important things to do, not to forget an exam that I have to sit for on the first day of 2nd term. If I want to change, I would need to change drastically. I want a new life. I want to change my way of looking at things. I can't live a life which makes me feel so useless everytime. I looked myself in the mirror. I looked refreshed. I feel brand new.

It's time for me to change. Everybody around me is changing, why can't I? Somebody will change. Change is necessary. I treated this fact like dump. I never took it seriously. But I still need to change. I'm waking up to a brand new world...

The death of.. me: An Epilogue

Life sucks so badly. I have to say that again. Seriously.

SO now people would be asking why I'm saying all those morbid stuff on my previous post. Well, for those who really do read my blog, and those who really DID ask why, which I'm not that certain of.

It's complicated. If I ever were to say it here, it would have either been an essay stating the simplest thing that I'm mad about and you saying i'm a fool, or an essay worth 1500-2000 words, which I have not the patience to write out. (Not to forget the expensive broadband expenses that I have to pay for blindly.)

So I have decided not to say anything.

I'm full of emotions. Mixed emotions, that is. Like I said, it's complicated. I feel like strangling someone. I feel like stabbing a knife on someone's chest, or slicing someone's throat. Somehow, I can't do that. What I want to do is to go somewhere, somewhere high or wide (you guessed it, a hilltop or the sea). I want to scream my lungs out. Ironically, someone had just left for PD, a beach. A beach long ago a famous tourist spot, now, a filthy trashing spot. I have not an intention at all to go there. Only fools and idiots go there to have fun. (Anybody who writes a comment about this is not my problem. I intended this, and it's a true fact.)

I cried again after putting up that post. So that makes the 4th time. Today, I wasn't that angry anymore, but instead, my mind was spinning around, my heart rushing and stopping constantly, my body physically weak and strengthless. I hate that feeling. I never feel 'normal'. This time, it's all because of someone. Not love. It's friendship. I've never ever done that IN MY WHOLE LIFE, not until I've met this person. It's absolute rubbish. What guy would do that?? I feel like a complete idiot. FOR A FRIEND?!?! Gosh. Stop it. It's not worth the effort, nor my tears shed like raindrops on leaves. A friend who is true to you wouldn't let you cry. Nobody does. Why this one, the only exception?

Now I know how it feels to break up with your love. The feeling is exactly like this. Now i understand how it hurts to be 'dumped', leaving him/her crying the whole day, leaving the 'dumped' clueless on why this had to happen.

You know who you are. I've decided this has to end. Friends mean a lot to me, practically the whole world to me. If you don't know how bad this feels, then too bad. Because of that someone you're dating, you delibrately turned me down, leaving me down and under for 2 days, and this may not end so easily, maybe stretching up to a year. You have never thought how I felt when you said those words in front of me. I tried to understand, but the more I thought of it, the more it didn't make sense. You've ended a beautiful friendship. Your promises are broken, and see what is happening. I THANK YOU for what you have done. I really appreciate everything you have done.

Think about it. A 'YES' can cause such a disasterous consequence.

Thank you.

101 things I would always remember

Life sucks. You heard me. Life sucks. Piece of shit. Hate the whole world, for all I care. No love, no peace, no innocence. You suck. Eat shit. Like that. Take my word. Life sucks.

Moreover, there is no one, anywhere around you, that you can trust. Where is the love???

I hate you. I hate her. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate compassion. I hate torment. I hate forgiveness. I hate music, wine and dance. I hate pleasure. I hate excitement. I hate.....

Mother Mary, please take my life. I can't find a reason to be on this wretched planet. WHY ON EARTH DID YOU SEND ME HERE????? I didn't choose to live like this. NO........ I have no choice at all. I'm useless. I can't take it anymore. Take my life away. Please, i beg of you.

Alone in my thoughts, alone in my sleep, alone in my breath, alone in my life, alone......

Forgive and forget: Lies. All Lies. There is no such thing in this world. Reality sucks. Locked.

No one is your friend. No one.

I'm lost.

Pledge my heart, my body, my soul. I get nothing. I have no reason. I was framed, fooled, famished. Death.

Love no one. Kill no one. Hurt no one.

Born in the wrong family. Born with the wrong faith. Born with the worst fate.

Die with honour. Die with integrity. Die with pride and contempt. All gone, all gone.

Troubled. Confused. Ill-fated. Mourn for me, but don't cry for me. I deserve to live this way. I'm already dead. On the 26th of December, 2005. The day after the holiest occasion in the world. My death will symbolise eternity; that there is no good of God, no good on Earth, no light in day, no afterlife after death.

Don't worry about me. I'm definitely sane. The only thing not right is that I would be insane.

You think there is equality, fairness in judgement, and unbiasness? You're definitely wrong. No one cares about you. Neither your feelings. No one realises your existence. No one knows you.

I give up. I can't think of any other way to describe how I felt.

(Note to self: 3rd time I cried because of a friend. This will not happen again.)

The moon: Bright on one side, Dark on the other

BETRAYAL

so finally i know who are the people who i know i can trust, people who i can talk to without worrying about getting my facts spilt over the floor. and the thing is, no one is trustworthy at all in my circle of friends. anyway, my circle isn't perfectly round. it's either a few circles, or the circle isn't a circle at all, maybe some doodle with holes at a few edges..

point is, even if they are 'trustworthy', they just cant keep their pie-holes shut sometimes. and to make things worse, surprises arent surprises anymore.

i dun have a problem. i realised how much i need to keep things to myself now. i used to think friends mean the world to me, and i should get them as involved in my life as possible. its different now. i'm gonna differentiate the who's who treats me as their friend, and those who treats me like a all-time multi-millionaire celebrity (oh, how flattering that is).

hmm.. looking on the bright side, no one gets offended here (thank god). i just hope life is smooth sailing thru bad and good times. just trying to get things out of my way and not make things worse.

have a nice day!

Would I describe today like a scene where a couple decides to break up, and the worst thing is, it's the guy who is being dumped, not the girl? In addition to that, it coincidentally rains heavily after held hands are broken, and the girl walks in the other direction, leaving the guy upset with anger and pain. Well, I feel it that way.

No one cares. That is reality. I have to say, I'm not in reality. I hate being in the real world. Nobody cares. Like I said, who would like to live in a world where it is filled with hate and greed? Nobody cares.

Friends treat you like dirt, when all that matters to me are them. I've been in so many undesirable situations when I was made to be so disappointed, and the worst thing is, they're all the people that I care about and value so much. I don't see why they just don't notice this at all. I know, I shouldn't take things too seriously. I should kiss and make up, and forget about it all. I don't keep things to heart, and so, if I'm not happy, I'll forget about it soon, which is something that I learnt from my family.

I just don't get it. Are the inhabitants of this puny planet that ignorant after so many years of advancements of technology? Or is this my fate? A fate which I am destined to not have friends and to live alone throughout my life? No one that I can share my love with, that I must live a bachelor till my death? The thought of this just makes me want to kill myself.

I love the company of people, just anyone. The indecisiveness in me just contradicts everything. Well, I do like it when I'm with friends, but I don't like it in a big group. I feel really suffocated. Consequently, I'll be left out in most of the conversations. Maybe that's because I like to be the centre of attraction, but I don't want too much of it. Just typing that just makes me wanna puke. How can I be saying such things? I should be strong in my sentences. I'm so weak.

I don't personally like people who, like what one of my friend told me once, "puts on a mask whenever you are around them". I didn't really understand what my friend meant by that, practically, but now it became perfectly clear that friends all around me were all like this.

I don't mean to harm anybody's feelings, but I'm being honest here. Well, I was tempted to be 'honest' with one of my friends here in Uni, so now I'm being honest. For all I know, truth hurts. It sucks so badly to be me. What have I gotta do to get some love 'ere?

Believe it or not, I was blurry eyed when I was being told off by my friend this evening. For many reasons. I don't want to list them all out here. I know my post is getting really boring. But anyway, who would even bother? Nobody leaves comments here. Nobody even bothers to read my blog. So what's the point of not writing it all out?? But it's cuz I've been "bitten once (, twice shy)".

Cheers to the cruel world that I'm living on now, and to all the people to don't care. Have a f***ing nice day.

The dawn of all things...

The sun is rising.. After a dark quiet night, when everything is resting, and the only things you hear are the sounds of crickets, the hooting of an owl, the sudden cry of a young innocent child. The quietness increases its silence when the night gets older. But the sun is rising. The only time when everything wakes up. The silence is finally broken. A new day is awakening. The sun is beginning to shine again...

I get to go back! Woo-hoo!! How good can things get?? After all the things I've gone through in just within 3 months, everything is starting to get better: my studies, my social life, and this.. I admit I really miss going back home, where the first person I see is my mother, or maybe my relatives or family. I've realised how important my family is, how much I value them to my other priorities in life. I can't wait to go back.
Well, as you can see, I'm happy today. Even though I skipped a 2-hour lecture this morning, I don't really care.

The past 3 days, I've been spending time with Wen Ching in Stratford. By far, those 3 days were the best 3 days since I've come to England. Her housemates were so welcoming, the house was so cosy, and the bed was so comfortable! (Don't mind me.. haha)

After my test on Friday (ended at 4pm), I packed my bag, and met up with her straight. She was in the Music Centre then. My packing took quite a while, and her bus leaves at 4.30pm, so not long, we ran to the shuttle bus. (I had to do this cuz it won't cost me anything to travel there. hehe..) It didn't take a very long time to get there. On that night itself, her housemate, a guy from HK who's a really good cook in the 'family', made a really nice dinner. I complimented his food, it seriously was good! Later on, at about 11pm, we were in his room, drinking an Australian red wine (which tasted really bitter, not nice at all), and then some lemon flavoured vodka. We had snacks, like Thai Chilli flavoured chips that I got in Morrisons (we went there before we went home) before I set into their household. We had chats till about 1+am. I jumped into bed, and fell asleep in an instant. (Wen Ching told me I was snoring that night.. Haha! Guess I was too tired on that night... hehe)

On Saturday, we woke up at about 11am. The day was for Ching and I to go shopping around the town. For such a small town, the shopping experience is already enough for me. I got (finally) a pair of really simple (but nice) boots from Clarks. Damn are they comfortable (but for a high price after conversion)! Considering the many uses of these boots, I think they're really worth it. And on this day, I was trying to find stuff that I can bring back home, but I ended up getting chocolates and biscuits instead. The things there were too expensive. I thought to myself that I should get souveniers next time I get back instead of this time. Touching on food, we had lunch at McD. Ching knew someone who is working there, and she offered us to order something that needs to be made (so that it needs to be paid) and gave us stuff that was on show for free. OMG... We had 2 burgers, one 4-piece nuggets, 2 fries, one hot chocolate and a sandwich (costs 2.99) for just RM 21!! That was SO worth it! Haha...!! For dinner, we cooked noodles at home, but it was just alright... Ching didn't know how to make proper ones... Haha! (kidding!)

On Sunday, I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant. The waitress is SO LCLY. She's a Chinese, and after we spoke to her in cantonese, she still spoke to us in a (fake) British accent, which disgusted me so much. The food wasn't that nice AT ALL, but at least we had a chance to eat some tofu (which can't be found here, and even if you can, it costs a bomb). Oh well. Then we went to Starbucks to get ourselves a nice cup of hot chocolate and some goodies to eat (and they were really good too!). After paying for it, we had to leave straight to the train station. The train was already waiting there till it departs at 4pm. At that very instant, I didn't want to leave, because I had so much fun, and it felt to comfortable living in that house, and all her housemates treated me so well, like a well-honoured guest. I appreciated all the things they did for me those few days.

Tales from foreign lands

Have you ever had that feeling that when you're somewhere away from home, at first, it gives you that sudden rush of adrenaline, so eager to explore this fascinating place, some time later, you'd feel as though you're so far from home after a bit of exploring, and everything just seems to stop, just like scenes from music videos or movies, that you just stand there and everything that evolves around you seems blurred terribly??

I'm not unhappy. Just that this place is starting to feel estranged to me, for some reason. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the fact that I don't really have many close friends (I'm not that good in socialising). Maybe it's because I'm alone in the room, and this had been for 2 days. Maybe it's the assignment that I'm on now, which makes no sense to me, which is making me feel dumb here.

Yesterday, we're supposed to go out for a fireworks display with some of my friends. I was really disappointed at myself for not going, because I turned them down on the last minute, as I was lazy and wasn't in the mood of going anywhere this weekend. So instead, I locked myself out from the whole world, and stayed in my room. I'm so foolish. I should have gone. During the time when I was in my room the whole of last night, my mind rushed through memories and scenes of my homeland, which made me so homesick that I had the urge to go back at that very instant. I was glad my best friend called me to talk for about 2+ hours. Thank God for telecommunications, and a good thing called 'stop-the-clock'.

I'm supposed to go over to my best friend's place today. I deeply regret that I didn't go. I woke up late, missing the first bus that came over to the university. I really needed some time off, just to put myself together again, to find my normal self again. It's already about 1pm now, and it's impossible to go now, cuz I personally don't like to spend so much on the fares, and come back so soon without spending more time at that destination. Furthurmore, I didn't like the fact that I'm gonna be going there by myself. This isn't me. I used to do things myself in Malaysia, why not here? This doesn't sound like me.

Well, maybe it's because I'm in a foreign land now. I am a foreigner now. Not a local anymore. I want to go back so badly now. But I want to grow up at the same time. I don't wanna rely on my family all the time. I'm a youth already. Not a baby, child or a teen. I miss those days.

Hope everything will shine brightly later. I'm still in the midst of a really dark tunnel. I need to run to the other end as soon as possible. Then, I'd be free...

So homesick

i cant believe myself now.

i'm apparently having this huge grudge on my room mate on numerous reasons. thats one. i had bread for all three of my meals today. that's two. and after spending twenty pounds on a dvd collection of Friends season 10, i watched most of the episodes today, just like a Friends marathon. that's three.

gosh... after all that, im feeling so homesick all of a sudden. i feel so blue out of nowhere. like having no one right next beside me when i needed someone. like not being able to hug someone to feel comforted, feeling that everything is gonna be alright, for all the things i've been thru. i dun see any green light around here. its like being in a foreign place (duh!) where everything is so foreign to u. everything just blurs out like that in front of u. the more u stay here, the blurer it becomes. now, it seems as tho everything is getting darker.

tho im having fun, sometimes, i still have this thing inside me that keeps telling me: "no. i cant take this any longer. how i wish to be back home where everything seems to be more familiar to me. where all my family and friends are. where everything seems to be more normal around there."

in the end, there's just another part of me saying: "this is wat i wanted originally. i cant turn back time now. it turns out bad now, but wat bout tmr? tmr would turn out fine. look ahead. dun look back. i can do this. be strong. so wat if im having problems? i usually could handle problems myself properly. think about the future. think about yourself working in another country. isnt that wat u want?"

then, i would just lift up my head and stand up straight, face the real world like an adult. be a man.

i know i cant do this myself. ppl say im strong. but inside, im really weak. im really weak without support. i feel that way now. nobody seems to care. im so alone all of a sudden....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i seemed to forget wat is the main purpose of writing this. im so lost.
i dunno whats taken over me. i think its the bread, or maybe the emotional scenes in friends. i have no idea.

i miss my dad suddenly now. how i wish he was still alive. i know he would tell me to be strong. but anyway, since he's gone, i know he is everywhere. i know he can see me. i know he hears me, praying. i know he knows of my sorrows. i miss him....

well, guess i have to keep going. i hope everythings gonna be fine. i hope my dreams would materialise. i can see myself, in a nice smart suit walking down the high street to my work place with a suitcase, or a document bag, or watever. that's where i wanna be. yea... aim for it... i'll make u proud, ppl!

~deeply missing my family and friends~

finally got to cook for my friends, but.....

hehe... i know my friends gonna kill me for this.

today, classes finish early, and i have time from 12pm till nite.. so i decided to choose today to cook for my friends. since one of them is dying for steam fish, i decided to do that for today. so i left my room at 5pm today, and walked all the way to tesco's to get things tt my friends tumpang me to get, and also a fish and some vegetables to cook. i got cod fish.

so when i reached my friend's place, i started rite away. i made i sure i remembered all the things i need to put into the fish... making sure it tastes as nice as my mom's cooking (which i miss deeply for, actually, hunger for.. hehe). so i got all my ingredients done, and started boiling water in a wok. after it was boiled, i placed the dish into the wok, and let it cook for bout 5 mins. when i opened it, it was just rite; the meat looked just rite, and there appeared some sauce, which i made form soy sauce ONLY, hehe.. somehow, it didnt look rite. my friend was still cooking her vege then, so i was looking at her. she took out the COOKING OIL from the cupboard. only then i realised i left that out, cuz if wanna steam fish, must put at least a bit. i brought it to the table to cool, and i had the urgeny to try how it tasted like. it tasted SO PLAIN. i dint like it. i had a notion that i wanted to throw it away, and not eat it... but my friends told me it looked ok, and there should be nothing to worry about. i felt so useless then.

when we all sat down at the table to eat, nobody did say anything bout the fish. instead, they were asking me wat i used to make it, and how i made it. when i saw the looks on their faces, they seem indifferent, but im sure in their minds, it wasnt nice at all. that was one of the reasons why i dint say anything during the dinner, and kept quiet. well, the main reason was because i wasnt feeling well at all. i wanted to go to bed, cuz i was really really sleepy. of all the times, im having an ulcer rite now. so it made me not wanna eat anything. i wasnt hungry at all then. sighs...

i left the dining table to my other friend's room, cuz she wanted some help in her work. we were brainstorming like crazy, which was a good thing, and which made me feel good bout the work i've done, and seriously, the first one ive ever done. haha.. well, it took away all my energy, and at the precise period, i had the urgency of going to the toilet. but it wasnt that bad. so i tho i could hold it in till i get back to my room, which was about 5 mins walk to my hall of residences. well, after the whole brainstorming thing, i went to get my stuff, cuz i needed to get going already (since i had a bladder urgency.. haha, and of course, tiredness). her flatmate was in, and she offered me a spring roll that she got burnt in the oven. well, i was hard to reject. so i ate it. i was chatting with my friend for a while. when i wanted to leave, another flatmate of hers came out and asked whether any of us were good at computers, cuz her comp got infected with a virus with a click of a link. hehe... i know its not funny, but the way i said it was long winded. (dun mind me). i was explaining to her the things i knew, but i couldnt help her, so i said sorry to her. then my friend offered me to drink some water as the spring roll was kinda throat-wrecking. then she remembered she owes me money for the groceries i got just now, and i remembered i owe her some money as well. so we went back to her room again to find out she dint have change, and i gave her back watever i owed her. on the way out, she gave me a pear to eat, which, btw, was really nice and sweet. im tempted to get some next time.. hehe...

so FINALLY i got out of the flat. when i got out, it was raining, and the wind was blowing so strongly. being as sick as i m now, i felt REALLY cold while walking back to my halls. imagine this: i was holding an umbrella (yes, i bring umbrellas out all the time) with one hand, the other scrumptiously eating the pear, and i was freezing my butts off, considering one hand was wet with the juices of the pear, and the other holding the umbrella.

i was doing my laundry yesterday nite (finally rite?). during the washing, i threw my windbreaker into the machine without checking wat i had in my pockets. after it finished washing, i took everything to the dryer, and realised i was short of coins. so i dried it for just 28 mins. when i took them all out later, the clothes were still quite wet. but i dint bother to dry them again, cuz i dint wanna go down again after bout 14 mins. when i got back into the room, i realised i was one underwear short (this is embarassing, but wat the heck). so i went down again with most of my wet clothes to dry again, finding the missing item in the dryer that i was using. when i was checking the washing machine i was using at first, i found a lip care stick, which looks really familiar. but it was all mushy, so i dint bother to hold it up and inpect it. so after my clothes were dried, i went back.

today, when i was wearing the windbreaker to tesco, i realised i was missing my lip care stick. i couldnt be bothered to walk back again to see whether it was still there, but i planned to go when i was going back to my room after the dinner. SO i did. i went there, and found that i was gone. i was heart broken, cuz i lost something that my mom gave to me. it was something that she bought for me that showed me she cared a lot bout me. till now i cant get over this small matter (as i got another one with my other stuff; she got me 2. but still, i cant get over the fact that its gone, and the smaller part of the reason is cuz it costed quite expensive).

well, im back in my room now, all dressed up for bed soon, and bladder emptied. i feel much warmer in my room, but it is still not as warm as i wanted it to be.

thanks for listening. im going to sleep.................... ZzZzZzZz...

Nice time here...

Hi's again! hehe.. Yep, I'm fine now. Was just a bit depressed that time. Of course I dint take such a long time to recover! Just lazy to write anything in my blog.. that's all. haha

dun mind if i use internet language to write my blog rite? cuz im lazy to press the 'shift' button everytime i have to. haha...

well, anybody interested in how my life is like here? yes? no? anyway, can't stop me now, cuz im starting my blabbering engine, and off we go....!!

hmm.. it's been a month since i got here in england. the first time i laid my feet on this land, my dreams were finally true. i get to experience life in a new way, a new perspective. it was already starting to get cold when i got out of the airport to the coach, included in the orientation package, which takes students to the university campus, which takes bout 2 hours to reach here. u know, the weather then wasnt at all that cold, cuz that time i tho it was really cold already. thinking back, i shouldve just wore a short sleeved t-shirt, and just khakis (jeans are warmer, duh). now, the weather is starting to get really cold, and the nights longer than the days when i just arrived.

orientation week was a bore actually. just cuz of my best friend who wanted to come on one of the days, i couldnt go to oxford, or stratford, which was included in orientation, and it was 'free'. the food kinda tastes ok; some really bad, some just ok, but none which tastes really good. but at least we got something to eat, without spending anymore of our moneys.

i made new friends, some just to get acquainted, some turned out to be course mates (not close), and some even turned out to be really good friends. i've experienced highs and lows with everyone i know here, and i got to know them better. i'm happy with how i m now. oh, there's this one friend in particular who's in my course, and also a realy good cook. i have to mention this cuz she's made food for me so many times that i havent done anything back for her yet... im, at the moment, really greatful for her doings. cheers!

my studies, well, is going alright. i basically understood much of the lectures; some were worth going, some were not as they were pointless and we already have the notes, or just plain boring and not understandable. my tests scores are generally ok. they're not great at all. its kinda tough, seriously. i dint know it would be such a challenge to study in a uni. i hope i can improve and do much better later on. i dun wanna do badly this time, as i was sponsored. i dun wanna let anyone down in many ways. i know i can do it. i just have to keep the faith in myself. i'll succeed one day...

oh, the culture here... its not bad for me.. its just that the ppl here love to club all nite (even on weekdays) and drink like crazy till they get dead drunk. that's so kewl.. haha... jk.. not as tho i wanna join them.. u ppl know me rite?? so not outgoing and boring. haha

my room mate is not as great as i thought. not mentioning anything else bout him, cuz i dun wanna get criticised again... (wanna know? ask me! be glad to spill his beans out.. haha)

hmm... wat else...? nothing else i guess... anything else, i'll come back again to disturb u ppl again! haha...

CHEERS!

[got to learn that new phrase. definition: literally, for ppl who drink to their lives. daily usage, usually in place of 'thank you'. in this case, to ur good lives! ;) ]

PS: its already starting to get dark... damn man...

Got one or two pics that I wanna share with you guys...

This pic was taken before I left to the UK. I was with 2 of my friends from school. From left: Etta, Mei and of course, me.

I'm supposed to put up pictures which I took them at school with Mei and my 2 good teachers, but I guess I shouldn't do that.. But well, it made me reminisce a little. When I got back to school, it was the only time when I felt so at home. Well, I didn't feel that way when I was technically studying in school, but I realised how the school got so close to me, well, not exactly, it should be the other way round. So it's a feeling that you're finally back, that sorta thing. It was nice to see my teachers again. And also the sight of all the students rushing here and there to the canteen, to classes, to meet up with classmates and friends. It reminded me of how it was like when i was in school too... I missed that feeling.

A visit to Stratford-upon-Avon

OK, so I was supposed to visit that place since the last Wednesday, since the trip is actually part of the orientation programme in the University (yes folks, im in the university now, and yes, its in UK. isnt it fun?! argh...). So I didn't go. So what! I had to wait for my best friend to arrive in the university, as it was open day that day. I was delighted to see her then. Too bad she thought I was not happy to see her.. Sighs..

The university life hasnt really officially started yet, but I'm starting to get hyped up for the life here. It's been nice to meet various kinds of people, well, as in personalities (duh!). They're overall very friendly, although there's something bout me that I don't think they like, which is me being a boring person who doesn't go about clubbing and partying - stuff like that.

So back to the chase: We (me and a friend who my best fren knows, yes, the relationship is complicated, but its not tt complicated at all) were supposed to go on Saturday and return on Sunday (we're supposed to stay for a night at my best friend's house), but due to unforeseen consequences, we were unable to make it on Saturday (long story), but we went today instead.

The morning started off like any other. I woke up, blah blah blah.. Too bad I had to go down to check how the heck we were supposed to make it to Stratford. Damn, the journey was complicated, sorta. We had to take the bus to Leamington Spa, then take a train from there to Stratford. We returned the same way. The bus journey wasn't that bad. The most interesting journey was actualy on the train. I got to see the countryside, with a lot of sheep (yes, i didn't know they had SO many sheep here too.. hahaha). During the return trip on the train, I got to see BLACK sheep. That reminded me of that old nursery rhyme. Seriously, till now, when I recalled that scene that I saw then, that song would just pop out from my head. Hahaha!

So, at Stratford, it was a pity we didn't have much time to go into Shakepeare's birthplace, furthurmore, it was raining and later found out myself that it was quite expensive to tour around that area (about 6 pounds, i think). We had disgusting fish and chips (i'm not despising their 'national' food, but really, that shop didn't do a good job about their cooking. but i still finished the food, not like my peers). After that, we went over to Morrisons to have a look (dont know whether I spelt that right), and straight back to her house. The house was damn right far, but the house was lovely. It was a corner house, kinda like a bungalow to me, with distinct rooms. The rooms themselves look very new and simple. Kinda like my accommodation now too. I would like to live there.. Hehe.. So, we had chats with her housemates, good laughs, got to know each other better. It was fun.

Oh, almost forgot, straight after I got back to the campus, I saw my room lit. I knew my room mate had arrived finally (i didn't have a room mate the week before, well, since the start of orientation). So I actually rushed up the stairs to see who it was. Well, I was kinda disappointed to see it was a malay sharing a room with me, but I later realised he's really friendly and nice, someone who is quite interesting too. So if you're reading this, don't take me too seriously. I didn't have good impressions on malays. Sorry.. Well, maybe if I get to know you more, I may consider about having more malay friends, ya? haha..

But anyway, I think I got to go now. I'm kinda really tired from the trip I had today. So cya!

PS: I'll make sure I'll keep you guys updated with my news ya!

Listening to Mika Nakashima’s Hitori. The exact word to describe myself when I get to England. Gosh, I just realised how bad it would feel leaving friends and my family back here, not being able to see them again.

Tonight, I was being treated to a Chinese meal nearby my place by my uncle. It was so stomach filling that I think I’m about to throw up soon… I had 2 bowls of rice too, considering I don’t usually eat so much. Maybe it’s because of yesterday’s buffet which made me so hungry that I could swallow a cow… Haha! I was that hungry today though. However, tonight’s dinner was supposed to be a treat by my grandmother, but I originally did not want her to treat me, as she is a dependant, and she had already given me an ang pow as a sign of good luck for my studies. Luckily, my uncle snatched the opportunity to treat me instead.

You should laugh at me at this. I came back home, showered and dressed in my pajamas, casually came online to check out some stuff that I’d need to know when I get to the UK. I suddenly got a phone call after about 1 hour from the violin teacher who works in the music school saying that he is just right outside of my house. I suddenly realised we were supposed to go out to have dinner (that can’t be it. I just had dinner!). So I rushed back to my room and put on the same clothes that I wore out for dinner, flew down the stairs, and out the door, of course letting my grandma know that I’m going out with them. I was thinking. I remembered the violin teacher told me that it was supposed to be Wednesday; it can’t be today! But it turned out to be today! Can you believe me?? Haha!

There were five of us, one of them my piano teacher, and the others also piano teachers but considered my ‘friends’ as we were very friendly towards each other. We went to Secret Recipe @ Midvalley. We didn’t order much though, but we had fun talking to each other, some asking me about my studies over there, and happily enjoying the food and drinks that we ordered. On the way back, somewhere near my house (I was the first one to leave), my piano teacher gave me an ang pow, with best wishes and regards. I felt so touched. The others told me to keep in touch and study hard. Although the ang pow wasn’t personally made by her (my best friend got it), I was happy that I got to spend a night with them all.

Yes, it was fun. That was the kind of meet up I was looking for. I enjoyed every since second of it. I smiled all the way. That was the kind of feeling I wanted to get, a feeling of familiarity, closeness and maturity. I won’t forget the moments that I had, and will have, with friends who gave me an impression that they do care for me, they do know that I exist. I’m happy that I have friends who are real, and not those who turn their backs at you and backstab you for no reason (or at least not knowing what you have done to upset another).

Thank you for what you have done for me.

A refreshing hi-tea with loved ones

Yep, a treat from my aunt. Not much to eat though, but I had fun. I felt the closeness of the family that I wanted the most.

What I was so surprised today was that there was a small band of 2 guitarists, a double bass player and a shaker-cum-singer, came to our table and asked what song they should sing for us... We didn't say anything, but they decided to sing "Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin" (The moon represents my heart). They sounded very nice, although they were not chinese. Very soothing.

Overall, I had fun. I too had some eye-feasting today (wen, u know wat im talking bout right? *wink*).

Speaking of meal treats, I got a few more from my mom and my sis. The idea of treating me nice meals before I leave was from my mom. But the first one to treat me was my sis. She brought us to Dome, and I had so much to finish, as none of my family members were big-eaters, except me (hehe). Just 2-3 days ago was my mom's turn. I took her to a japanese restaurant so that I could let her try out how sea-urchin sashimi tastes like. She loved it... So happy! Hehe...

A day out with long forgotten friends

Yes, the title says it all. And no, it's not at all that fun. I was looking forward to a better outing with my school friends, who were supposed to be my really really good friends...

The day started quite well. I ended up getting really bad scolding from my mom, and both of us were crying... Well, I don't wanna talk about that. I had thoughts about the meeting. I remember the day before when i saw a guy who used to be a good friend of mine (betrayal) online. I asked him whether he knew about the outing today. He said yes. I don't recall him saying that the purpose of this meet up was for me as I am about to leave for UK. Instead, he told me he hadn't seen another friend of mine (she asked me out first) for quite some time, so that was shy he was going. I didn't feel happy then.

So I was thinking about going. He was the reason why I didn't wanna go today. I had doubts about going. After the fight that I had with my mom, I told her I didn't wanna go. I was sure. It was my mom who told me that I should go, as they had the sincerity of asking me to go out and seeing me. I should not cancel the meet.

I gave in. I had to go. After countless times of rejecting offers of hanging out with them, I can't say no now. Furthurmore, I really missed the one who asked me out.

I got there early. I was expecting a call, instead of me waiting at their designated place of meet up. I walked around, window shopped a bit. However, no call. So I decided to go there instead. There, I met him. Then my pet sister. Then her. Yes, just 4 of us.

The things that they talked about was out of my league. I had completely no idea what they were talking about. And in most of their conversations, I either laughed a bit at their jokes, or sat there dumbfounded, not saying anything. I noticed she asked me why I was so quiet, for maybe about 4 to 5 times today, although I didn't tell her what the reason was. I felt very uncomfortable around them. They were in their own world, and I was alone in my own world. And moreover, I noticed, most of the time, everything was focused on his stuff, not mine, though I thought the idea of this meet up was for me, not for him. I didn't want to complain. I was happy to see her, and that was all I asked for.

I'm starting to realise that I am not fit to be their friends anymore. I felt a strange separation in between us, like I am one magnet, and all three of them one magnet, both facing each other with the 'like' sides.

I received a message from a good friend of mine, a classmate since form4 and A levels and also going to the UK, saying that she wanted me to attend a farewell lunch. At the sound of that, I thought at first it was for me. I thought it was so nice of her to ask me out, to see me. But in the last message, she then told me it was her's, not mine. I got so depressed.

I started to ask myself: Who am I to all these people? Am I a someone, or a nobody? I figured it as the latter. No body understood me. The thought that kept me going was to believe in myself, and not get pulled down by people who despise me, who doesn't care about me. I've learnt how to be strong, and I will be strong.

My idea of an outing is just very simple. I went out with a friend of mine who I just known not long ago, in the theory of driving class. I've kept in touch with her, but I had not been able to see her since then. She popped a message in my mobile, asking whether I was free to go out and 'yum cha' with her. I said sure, since no one was at home, and I'm sure it was purely because of my departure. We had an exciting talk over a drink and "mee goreng"-s, and she also came over to my house, wanting to listen to me play the piano as she was unable to attend the last concert. I was happy to know she really wanted to see me perform, and I was happy to show her. I had fun.

Well, I am speechless now. I have nothing else to say. I hope my life would turn out to be better someday. Even the smallest of things that can make me smile and remind me that being alive on this puny earth is all worth it, the hard work I put into everything was all worth it. That's all I ask for...

The fall of a climax, at last!

I'm really happy to know that finally my best friend is able to go over to UK. The difference is, we won't be together in the same class. But it's good to know that she finally realises that Maths isn't the subject for her. So I'm happy for her.

After all this while, I've had visions of how it would be like if i were to be in England with her. It'll be so much fun, especially when it comes to shopping and travelling. I mean, she would be someone who I can do those things freely and more comfortably...

Too bad she's always been not trusting me. She's had thoughts of me making new friends and not caring about her anymore, even to special events or just a small hang out, she thinks I won't invite her to those. So here I'm declaring: How can I do that when all I know that we share so much in common, and it's like a once in a lifetime oppurtunity to know someone so similar to me??? So word of notice: PLEASE PLEASE get over it!!!

Lost

Fallen, hopeless, desperate. Months have gone, Time passed and waits for no man, Fear draws near. It's time. I'm about to board on a once-in-a-lifetime journey of my life. It's time that I finally grow into a man..

I have no idea how my future will be like, what lies ahead of me. I don't believe in destiny or fate (although it may happen in love, i do believe in that), I follow my own footsteps and lead myself to whatever I have decided to do. Mixed feeling frightens me at this moment. I have no idea what will happen during my studies. I do hope it's going to be an experience of a lifetime.

Well, precisely at this moment, frankly, I do not know what I have to say, but I just have a feeling that I have something to say. A feeling that someone is pulling you out from a shaft after you dropped in it, but something down there is pulling you back down. A feeling that my heart and mind has been shattered into so many tiny bits like how you break a mirror, giving you 7 years of bad luck. A feeling of walking down a never-ending aisle, just like a bride seeing so many guests next to her, and up ahead is someone who she sees as her future: someone who will care and look after her for the rest of her life, and raise children and live as a family; but she was once a carefree, happy-go-lucky someone, and the aisle looked ever so long and far.

I visited my university's pre-departure briefing just yesterday night. It was quite a help. There were so many strangers sitting right where I sat, but they all seemed so.. so.. well, they gave me a sense of familiarity. They are people who will be studying together at the same time as I do at the same place, but the difference is, they're all not in my classes. I immediately felt lonely. In my mind, I told myself countless times, I must be brave to face the world and stop shying away from possible great friends and companions through the period of my study, and even maybe for life. I could not do it. God help, God speak. I can't possibly find what is the meaning of true friendship. Is it because of me, or is it because of my countless disappointing experiences my friends had constantly given me? Even during the cocktail session after the talk, i only got to know 2 new acquaintances, one a friend's friend of Wen Ching, and someone 2 years my senior. I somehow had a feeling nothing is going to happen. I hope nothing like that will ever happen when I get there. I don't wanna ever feel lonely anymore.

But I know, this is life, I keep on telling this to myself. I know I need to learn and grow sooner or later. And I pray for some higher power to guide me throughout my life, my journey, especially my long deceased father, whom I did not appreciate for the things he had done for me while he was right next to me, and only now have I learnt to look up to him, to honour him, and love him; though it is too late, but its better late than never.

"Baba, please look after me, please guide me, please help me to go on with this journey. I have fulfilled your last wish: I have finally entered a foreign U, with the help of a scholarship fund. But it is not complete yet. I will try my VERY best to uphold the name and honour of this family. I won't let you down, I promise.."

Tears of hope and joy

Hazy, hazy, hazy. The weather and the air condition is SO, SO terrible. Damn it. What is wrong with Indonesia anyway?? They just can't stop having so many forest fires huh?? Oh, and by the way, why the heck must the smoke blow in this direction? It just SO HAPPENS that the wind direction is blowing towards Msia huh?? Gosh.... If it was fog, I wouldn't dare to complain. But HAZE????? Gosh... It's smelly, like pollution, killing us all like a silent deadly weapon, you know, just like poison gas. I'm also suffering so badly through these days. I don't even know whether I should blame it on the weather, or on the number of times I go out for exercises (that's zilch. the doctor practically scolded me for only having to take "walks" at the park like a old grandpa). I don't feel well. My head's all dizzy, I feel so uneasy, sleepy all the time (well, not in the morning, but so badly later in the day). I have no idea what's going on. Even if I took the effort to jog yesterday (I couldnt go today cuz i had piano class), I didn't really feel at all different. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

Sighs, even my friend's farewell party I couldn't make it. She's leaving this coming thursday, and I felt so guilty for not going. As though I did it on purpose. Argh... I don't know how to put it in words for how i feel. She said she might have a dinner, but she still hasn't said anything about it. So i assume it's not on... Sighs, so imagine how much I highly regret not going for the farewell party, even if I was seriously ill that day. I wonder whenever I'd see all my friends who had left overseas for studying.

Speaking of which, yesterday also was a day which was a turning point of my life. Remember all the while I said i wished my best friend would go with me abroad to study in England?? Well, she was told yesterday that the results were out, but not officially on paper yet. I persuaded her to go get it. At the same time, I could also know whether there's a big chance for her to go with me. When we reached her college, she got down of the car while I took over her seat. She came back with the same expression, while I hoped for good news. Instead, she was indifferent and spilled bad news. For everyone, the usual reaction would've been disappointment. But I remembered I promised her that i'd not be disappointed. I was, which made me quite guilty, but I tried to hide it. Well, we both knew at that moment we would be separated. I was prepared with a thought that I would be going to UK alone. So I wasn't that sad though.

When the day ended, which was after dinner, she was driving me back home. I chose Ken Hirai's Sentimental Lovers CD out to listen (it was already out when we were going out for dinner, so it was already halfway thru the CD when we were coming back). Just when we were about to reach my house, it was the last 2nd song: a song that was all about being friends (it's called "Kimi wa tomodachi" meaning "you are my friend"). She asked me whether I was moved by the song after the whole song ended, i said yes. I asked her why she asked, cuz i knew she wanted to tell me she was also moved. She said don't ask. Suddenly she burst into tears. At that very moment, I was stoned, I didn't know what to do, but I managed to pat her back saying it was nothing, and everything will be alright. But when she stopped, I suddenly thought of the song lyrics. I started to feel like crying. Gosh. Seriously. I was shocked myself that, for someone who is just my friend, and for such a small matter, I cried. But I had one reason for it. I knew we would not be seeing each other for quite a while, most likely for at least 5 years.

Surprising huh? I think it's the platonic relationship we've had for 2 years. I myself could't believe that, for 2 years, we have already developed a simple friendship from a time when we would just pass by each other in the music school as say "hi!", to a relationship where we would laugh, play, fight and cry together. This is the first. And even if I had lost the moment, and things would have changed, I will never forget every single one moment that we had.

Sounded pathetic? It's the horrible experience that I had with my classmates in my school. The backstabbing, deceiving, horrible sore-losers. The worst that I have seen. The friendship with my best friend that I had was true. Those ppl suffacate me. How hard I breathe every second. Not to say that there weren't friends that I did honour back in school, but those were really rare, even close to extinction.

Say for example, that time during my concert? THAT was CLEARLY my LAST CONCERT. NOBODY, and i repeat, NOBODY, was kind enough to come over and watch me perform. And of all the times, that was the only time when I was finally praised all around me saying that out of the whole concert, my item was the best. AND NOBODY SAW ME!!! AND people I didn't expect to come, came too. SEE???

Oh well, no use complaining anyway. Like they say, accept ppl for who they are. Sorry, I don't really know whether I could do that or not. It depends on how much you have done for me, considering how much I have done for him/her.

So, I guess I had better go, or else I would be getting myself into more trouble soon...

PS: nobody even bothers to write me comments!!! I see ppl coming in here to drop by, but N-O... NO CoMmEnTs At ALL!! oh well... that proves how many friends i have already... sighs...

3 continuous days of fun and torture

Wow, three days of stuff to write bout... That's a challenge. Ok, here goes:

ON the 30th July, which was a Saturday, was a pre-departure briefing held by British Council. I took along my friend. Gosh, that day was a horror! The day started off with me and my friend teaching tuition from 9am-1pm (long huh?). When our student came, I was still showering! Just imagine how tired I was, and how much I needed sleep! Teaching was kinda a dread, but it's the passion that's driving me.. Then, we had to rush over to our music school for her piano class. After class was over, we hadn't had our lunch yet, so we ate at a restaurant nearby, something on the average scale, both taste and price. Knowing me, I don't really wear a watch nowadays, I couldn't keep track of the time. When both of us finished our meal, it was about 3.30pm already. The briefing starts at 4pm! Well, I thought it wouldn't be a problem cuz the roads would be empty on a day and time like this. But I spoke too soon. It was congested like mad! We managed to arrive at about 4.10pm and parked the car in an open air space (originally, our plan was to take the lrt there, cuz it'd be convenient). We were about 15 mins late. The talk wasn't that helpful though, cuz most of the stuff they talk bout, were already done. So, i guess the helpful stuff I got was the pre-departure pack (a folder of information actually).

We went to KLCC later to kill time before dinner. We had an idea of going to a nearby japanese restaurant that both of us were familiar of. So, we eventually did go. Gosh, was it us or was it the restaurant's fault? If we eat in a high class place, we make so much noise. If we eat in hawker stalls, we keep quiet. WHAT'S WRONG WITH US??? HAHAHA!! The food indeed was really good. We were making so many jokes, laughing like 2 incredibly mad people as though we were already drunk when all we had was just green tea. That was really funny! What I really wanna state here so I can remember were the mangoes and the macha ice cream with red beans. They were the few of the best desserts I've ever tasted. They meant a lot to me.

ON the 31st July, I was dragged for mountain climbing again, mainly just because we wanted to reach to the waterfall uphill. The journey up was a tiring one, although I felt it less exhausting if I could go on walking uphill without having to stop once in a while to wait for the slow ones, especially my sister. About 80% uphill, we came across a beautiful majestic waterfall, us standing about 2-300m away and 3-4 km tall from the bottom of the falls. That was really an experience. Wasn't able to swim in the waters when we got up to the area we wanted, cuz of my terrible cough since a few weeks ago. Believe me, the water is really cold.

We reached back down the hill at about 2.30 to 3pm. I was really tired then, so i went off to nap in the car. I wasn't aware that they were planning to stay on longer in a nearby town to have dinner. That was something that made me mad, cuz my mom had already said to me the day before that we were to go back to KL at about 3pm. I didn't expect that to happen. I was so mad at my mom for not being considerate. I told her (the day before) that I have a small meet at the music school at about 6.30pm. She knew it, but she didn't want to reject their plans. Sighs, it's difficult to say what really did happen, but to cut a long story short, me and my mom had a small quarrel over this, and eventually we set off back to KL.

The meet wasn't as interesting as I expected it to be. So after the meet, me and my friend went out to eat dinner. She then took me to see the doctor as my cough became worse day by day. So now I'm on medication.

TODAY, I was really tired from the medicines I took last night. But my mom decided to bring me and my aunt along to 1 Utama today. We walked around, ended up buying nothing, as there were nothing interesting and nothing that caught our attention.

The interesting part today was that my youngest uncle's wife gave birht to their first child, a daughter. She was beautiful, even thought physically just OK, but it was really nice to see a newborn lying down on the small bed hospitals provide, seeing them sleeping soundly. Made me feel really touched, somehow.

OK.. I really wanna talk more bout the baby, but I can't hold on much longer. Yes, I took medication. Seriously, if I go on any longer, I'd drop my head on the computer, and snore away. So I'll finish off this post next time then. Tata!

Chapter ....... what chapter was it again???

Haha... Guess I had better cut the crap for writing such a title...
So... Let me see.. My friend had already written about the concert, so might as well I write my own too. =P

Hmmm, where should I start? Well, it just simply started with an idea for a chinese concert. And this time, grander than the first few that my music school's committee (and I'm in it too) had organised. And I've gotta tell ya, it's by far the toughest show ever organised! Phew!

Let's come back to that day. It was Sunday, 17th of July. Woke up, kinda prepared (with the pieces I'm supposed to perform), wore my casual clothes as the committee was to help out to do some stuff in the morning. So me and my best friend went there together, and started helping out. Knowing Malaysian weather, it was so damn freakin hot, we were forced to go back to shower again (seriously, the only day i showered so many times, and washing my hair 3 times that day! that's crazy!).

The concert started at 3pm, and audiences started to pour in about 15 mins before. Well, it wasn't as many audiences as I expected, but like they say, the show must go on! I wore (finally!) a nice chinese shirt that I bought just 2 days before the concert, and got ready at the backstage till my time came. My first programme was to accompany a small boy, around 11, to sing 2 chinese songs. I find those two songs really nice, if you know the connection between the song lyrics and the music itself. That was the fifth slot.

Then came intermission. My best friend and I were supposed to play some nice and slow contempary pop songs on the piano outside. Everything were so impromptu. Well, at least we had already found some nice songs in the book itself already, so it was a matter of choosing suitable pieces on the spot. My friend just played one solo piece! Gosh.. I'm not letting you get away with it. Haha! Well, that lasted 10 mins.

The second half arrived. My programme now was the 13th (the intermission was places between numbers 7 and 8) , and my solo performance can be considered as the last show on that day. Why am I always placed the last??? Oh well.. Wow, before mine came, I panicked so badly (the accompaniment went really badly cuz I started panicking and my legs trembled while pressing the pedal). I didn't want anything to happen to my playing, and come to think of it, it was a solo! Sighs, I thought, I didn't want to go up the stage. All the while, I thought I had long past gotten rid of stage fright, considering that I actually played in a Chopin competition in front of so many people and judges from so many countries. I needed that thought. I tried to conquer that fear right before I stepped up on the stage.

I stood up right next to the piano, and bowed. I adjusted my seat, inhaled in a really long breath, closed my eyes, and played away.

I was sucessful in defeating my fear, and played succesfully, but with a few memory slips here and there, and some mistakes (it was, of course, obvious to me, but what I learnt later, it wasnt noticable).

I was greeted with so many people when I went down the stage, and congratulated me on my playing. I put on a smile on my face, and hid my pride. I had to admit I made mistakes. And I needed the strength to stop being proud and remember I've still much to learn. It's the only way to improve oneself.

Below is a picture taken right after the end of the concert. On the left to right: Kenneth (one really good friend and a fantastic pianist who is currently studying in Russia who came back here for his holidays), Me (in my shirt. Happy!), my piano teacher (one who I respect the most. we had some conflicts when I started to learn from her, but she taught me SO MUCH, and I am deeply touched with what she has done for me) and my best friends, Wen Ching (my best friends that I was mentioning about all the while).

Credits: My teacher (of course), some teachers in the music school who helped give comments on my playing and made me enjoy my time learning music, my best friend (who gave me helpful advice before my solo piece, and i really give thanks to you and I really appreciated it), Kenneth for making it, a FEW of my friends (namely Steve, Simone, Samantha) who ONLY came to watch me perform and supported me (I haven't gotten over with the treatment I got from all the others!), and finally, my family, who continuously given me support since ever.

Thank you everyone!

Sit down, lie on a tree, have a brief rest..

Yep, I decided to put up one.. no wait, maybe 2... yep.. 2 of my poems that I have written long long time ago (oh those were the days.. haha). So, enjoy!

POEMS REMOVED

*NOTE: These poems are copyrighted. I hope no one copies them off this blog and do anything to it. They were created by me, and for you to enjoy. =)

Chapter 6: Downfall of dreams and hopes

Sounds very morbid huh? Not quite.. I said that cuz after ALL my ranting and describing... Finally, my LOVE of my LIFE was not within my reach anymore... Argh.. WHY??? I was forbidden to buy that shirt by a superior power. I have no say... Sighs...

OH... I did say something to my best friend that I'd put up a pic that i took at her house. Haha.. It's a bear that me and Mellisa (a friend of mine and an ex-student of my piano teacher now) found for her birthday. It was so nice to see a happy and delightful face on someone you bought a gift for, isn't it so? Me and my best friend agree to that.

So here's the bear.. Isn't it cute? Haha.. It is seen 'comforting' her old bear, which I always comment on it saying that it has been weathered so badly... How bad can you treat your own bear?? Haha!

Chapter 5: Relax

It's end of June, isn't it? And my dearest mother is bugging me to get ready for my journey... ALREADY! (funny, aint she?)

Oh well, that's what is happening now... Can't do anything about it. Come to think of it, it's funny.. My mom is one time freak, and she just can't get a hold of herself whenever it comes to travelling, ALL THE TIME! She likes to worry bout stuff, like stuff to bring (so that she won't forget to bring impt things). But listen to this (this is the punchline), she ends up forgetting stuff! Haha! Can you imagine what kinda torture I go thru with my mom? Haha!

So, I end up relaxing like laying on a nice comfy beach chair-thingy (can't get that name for it, =P), drinking my favourite mocktail drink, under the bright hot sun, admiring the wide blue sea, as I breathe a sigh while I lay down under the umbrella. Kewl eh?

Speaking of which, I've got to perform soon @ Bukit Jalil Golf and Country Club (or is it Resort? oh what the hell..). Since the main theme focuses on the rich sounds and brilliant music of China, showing the wide diversity of the overpopulated country, my dear friend has already bought herself a nice cheongsam (well, my dear teacher was so creative to think of that idea, being we were to dress up in chinese clothes.. sighs..). And now I've gotta get something really nice...
SO.. I went to MV today to Chinatown to have a look. The shirts there are... well.. ok.. but they make me look so.. umm.. how do i say it.. let's put it this way.. I'm thin (my body's not toned, nor do i have muscles. argh.. i look ugly..), and I'm wearing something quite loose (smallest size is medium) which was made from a really thin material on my torso. It really made me feel funny, not forgetting the 'airy' feeling down under..

Then comes the Qilin shop. Gosh, they have nice shirts. Problem is, the prices are 'nice' too (bout RM2oo+. oh, the previous shop sold their shirt for bout 170). I was trying the white shirt... DAMN! I looked SO nice in it.. I fell in love with it! Argh... The material was thick and good, it has more buttons than the flimsy shirt (not to forget nicer buttons), the sleeves can be folded making look even more classy.. Damn! WHAT SHOULD I DO??? Haha... Just in case you don't know, i'm a fashion freak, more to metrosexual, so i love shopping... Haha.. Too bad I don't really go out that often to shop, since I'm really really poor.. (maybe cuz i look at expensive stuff and despise cheap stuff.. haha) Can't blame me for who I am right? Haha..!

Well.. Hope someone can help me out.. Haha.. See ya!

Chapter 4: Time to embark on a new journey

So... It's finally confirmed that I can go over to UK to study huh?

How lucky I am, I thought, to be able to go study in UK, considering that my family couldnt afford the fees after the expensive conversion. It is my dream, my future, my bright light at the end of the tunnel. I feel finally free from the bonds of family, I finally feel released from my nest, flying to survive on my own. How happy I was; when I was told I will be sponsored of my tuition fees, when I first held my results over hardwork and toil, when I saw that my conditional offer became 'accepted' on my computer screen. That's something to rejoice about..

Then problems start pouring in. Not in the technical sense, as in the procedures and the process of getting there, but mentally. I started to picture how it would be like there: nice environment, beautiful sceneries, new friends... Well, everything there should be nicer than Malaysia, that's all I know. And most importantly, my 'best' friend applied to the same place as I did. Then I added my friend into the picture... Picture perfect! The things we can do together; the list is endless!

I got quite disappointed. Everything was ruined. My friend just don't have the confidence in getting good grades. My mother keeps on reminding me that the people there are not friendly, they can do anything to you. My friend did also say that she would miss her family and friends a lot here, if she went overseas to study. That made me think about my family and friends too.

Now, i don't really want to go!

Well, today, was the start of the travel fair in Malaysia. I had a chance to finish getting some winter stuff that i'll need over at UK. It wasn't that bad.. At least, everything is sold cheaper.

Hope everything will be fine. It'll turn out to be as I wanted it to be... God forbid...

(tbc)

Chapter 3: New found love

Have you ever had a time when you didn't like something, or someone, at all, until you finally realised thru some kinda signs that you have actually misinterpreted it, him/her, all along? Hehe... don't i sound long-winded? Haha..

Actually, what i meant long ago was actually a singer that i really really like now, Mika Nakashima. Wow... Her songs are so good man! I don't know why i chose to talk bout her, even tho i know nothing bout her, but her songs are worth checking out. Try:
1. Sakaru iro mau koro
2. Oborotsukiyo ~ inori
3. Kumo no ito
4. Hitori
5. Shadows of you

Gosh, guess what? I can't believe i can tear for a song! For someone like me, it's so RARE for me to cry or even tear (the latter usually when i sleep, cuz eyes are dry, duh). I mean, for ages, i have never tried singing a song so emotionally that i could actually TEAR! Well, i'm exaggerating, but it's so true.

Well, I've been ok these few days, just still very troubled over a few things (good friends out there, u know what i'm talking bout). Very soon, everything will be over. I'm happy bout that. But anyways, the journey goes on..

Chapter 2: Down

Supposed to be in a happy-go-lucky mood today. Feel as tho i was thrown down a cliff unexpectedly by someone i know very well. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, it was just an expression. You know, the feeling when u are seen falling down the cliff, and the ones that u love just look at you, smiling. Argh, this feeling is horrible. Don't mind me, I'm always like this: lost in my world full of the wildest imaginations. You may never know what kinda stuff i'd come with next.

Sometimes, when you feel like a pile of shit lying on the floor, and passers-by just trample on you and step on you, how would you feel? I've felt this a million times. When oppurtunity hits, you just miss it. There had to be someone, or something, to bring you down. When there's a chance, someone, or something, had to ruin it. When you know there's something, or someone, that is meant to be yours for your well-being, or your asset in life, it would just seem to get farther and farther until it is out of reach. You wouldn't give up. You run and run, till you finally see your future, and suddenly it disappears. You kneel down, proclaiming that you're so out of breath. All you think about is what you have just lost, and will never see again. Tears start forming in your eyes till your sight starts to blur out. You feel insecure, lonely, afraid, useless, etc. But you finally realise that whatever had happened had long passed and gone. Why bother to think back, when there's so much ahead waiting for you? Then you stand on your own two feet, and start walking (aimlessly) back to where you started.

This is what I have been experiencing all my life (till now of course. I'm not that old yet! =P). Its as tho everything is so blur, and there's too many things i have left behind, left undone. I don't feel complete yet. I'm starting to realise that all I have done were completely useless. Ups and downs. Success and failure. It seems nothing is ever right in this world. Nobody cares, everybody just walks pass, just like the video clips where you see the main vocalist stand in the middle of the rain while all the others hurries by pass him/her.

Sighs, it's been a while since i've been have to express myself this way. I should write more stories here. not real ones, just morbid ones that would accidently come across my head. Pure imagination. Cool? =)

Chapter 1: Long journey.. phew...

i woke up to the screaming of my superior. haha.. anyway, today's plan was to go mountain hiking on four wheel drives. well, it wasnt the 1st time, and this time isnt that exciting considering there were new ppl on the track with a few experts (including my mom's friend, who was driving us up the mountain). the thing that bothered me was how much trouble these newcomers gave the experts, tho im not complaing.. :P but anyway, i did have fun going up that rocky slope (bet some of u guys out there havent tried this huh? well, im happy i have, and im not boasting!), and had fun in the water of a flowing stream. the peace and quiet, and not forgetting the scenery and the greenery, were like treasures that came with it.

funny huh? im starting my blog like this.. hahha.. well, i tho, hey, why not? its a good starting of my blog rite? i have never tho i would even start a blog too! but since im so bored these days, ive got nothing else to do, so myt as well i start one right away (and also cuz its been so popular recently, ive gotta eventually catch up!)

i tho i cud write more, im having mental block all of a sudden. my eyes so tired.. i cud write a better post than this! but anyway, cyaz!