Lost

Fallen, hopeless, desperate. Months have gone, Time passed and waits for no man, Fear draws near. It's time. I'm about to board on a once-in-a-lifetime journey of my life. It's time that I finally grow into a man..

I have no idea how my future will be like, what lies ahead of me. I don't believe in destiny or fate (although it may happen in love, i do believe in that), I follow my own footsteps and lead myself to whatever I have decided to do. Mixed feeling frightens me at this moment. I have no idea what will happen during my studies. I do hope it's going to be an experience of a lifetime.

Well, precisely at this moment, frankly, I do not know what I have to say, but I just have a feeling that I have something to say. A feeling that someone is pulling you out from a shaft after you dropped in it, but something down there is pulling you back down. A feeling that my heart and mind has been shattered into so many tiny bits like how you break a mirror, giving you 7 years of bad luck. A feeling of walking down a never-ending aisle, just like a bride seeing so many guests next to her, and up ahead is someone who she sees as her future: someone who will care and look after her for the rest of her life, and raise children and live as a family; but she was once a carefree, happy-go-lucky someone, and the aisle looked ever so long and far.

I visited my university's pre-departure briefing just yesterday night. It was quite a help. There were so many strangers sitting right where I sat, but they all seemed so.. so.. well, they gave me a sense of familiarity. They are people who will be studying together at the same time as I do at the same place, but the difference is, they're all not in my classes. I immediately felt lonely. In my mind, I told myself countless times, I must be brave to face the world and stop shying away from possible great friends and companions through the period of my study, and even maybe for life. I could not do it. God help, God speak. I can't possibly find what is the meaning of true friendship. Is it because of me, or is it because of my countless disappointing experiences my friends had constantly given me? Even during the cocktail session after the talk, i only got to know 2 new acquaintances, one a friend's friend of Wen Ching, and someone 2 years my senior. I somehow had a feeling nothing is going to happen. I hope nothing like that will ever happen when I get there. I don't wanna ever feel lonely anymore.

But I know, this is life, I keep on telling this to myself. I know I need to learn and grow sooner or later. And I pray for some higher power to guide me throughout my life, my journey, especially my long deceased father, whom I did not appreciate for the things he had done for me while he was right next to me, and only now have I learnt to look up to him, to honour him, and love him; though it is too late, but its better late than never.

"Baba, please look after me, please guide me, please help me to go on with this journey. I have fulfilled your last wish: I have finally entered a foreign U, with the help of a scholarship fund. But it is not complete yet. I will try my VERY best to uphold the name and honour of this family. I won't let you down, I promise.."