Immunity

Have you ever had that time when someone tells you something, and suddenly, you just black out for a few seconds, making you feel insecure and maybe feel like breaking down and, worse, cry?

I've had that non-stop since last month. I hated it. Once in a while, it's ok. But not continuously as though I have not a single feeling for it anymore. Once again and again, it had never changed my point of view. I haven't gotten immuned to it. I don't know whether I will or not. Have I gone nuts? Not any chance. I want to, at least I won't have suffered so badly if I had gone nuts. But for those who knows me, I don't go insane that easily. I stay strong, no matter what happens. Or, do I? Well, considering all these times when I felt under the weather, I would just come to blogger, and start posting whatever is bothering me. So, is this my way of making myself feel better? As a matter of fact, it does help me feel better. One reason why I submitted so many posts these few days is because I have no one to talk to now, no one that I can express my feelings to.

I was wondering. If my friend comes back to UK, will everything be like how it used to be, or just like how it is now? I really feel like giving up. It's so weird. I'm quite confused. Remember I told you I went out for my friend's birthday hang out on the 30th? I felt so comfortable that day. I had so much fun talking to them; we were laughing, catching up on our lives, taking so many pictures like we're not gonna see each other for the rest of our life (haha!). But frankly speaking, even the things I didn't like about my friends long time ago, were all gone the other day. No grudges, no hatred, no nothing. I went with the flow. Felt much better after doing that.

On the other hand, someone who I just know for 2 years, and in such a short time, grown really close to each other, not in a sense of a relationship, but a friendship, to be exact. Someone I know I can trust, someone I know I can confide in, someone I know I can be comfortable with, is now someone who is totally the opposite of all the above. So my question is, does time really matter? Does anything else, no matter what they are, matter?

I admit, I am one complicated person, a fool. At one point in time, my friend who I knew in Warwick, said something about me. I quote: "u r indeed complicated. but at some pt, u r quite shallow. u r pessimistic. u think a lot. ur afraid. afraid of things. but u always tell urself to be brave and go ahead." Then I asked,"how did u notice?" She replied,"im a good observant. i dun say, but i observe and study a lot.... i conceal my true self very well...."

At one certain period, I have never thought about this conversation me and my friend had. But later on, which was just about a month ago, I started thinking about it. So does it mean to seal up all my feelings, and not care about my well-being, I can live a better life? Does it mean I have to put on a false façade everywhere I go, so that nobody can see through me? So that I won't let anyone see when I'm happy or sad? One thing's for sure, I can't do that. This is who I am. Didn't they say, "Be yourself"?

PS: Well, my friend did say somethings good about me. I quote,"u think of the future. u make plans. u care about other people. friends are important to u. and u care loads bout them, and u really feel for them." Just tells me that no matter what, I can carry these points with me wherever I go, and carry on with my life. =)