The fall of a climax, at last!

I'm really happy to know that finally my best friend is able to go over to UK. The difference is, we won't be together in the same class. But it's good to know that she finally realises that Maths isn't the subject for her. So I'm happy for her.

After all this while, I've had visions of how it would be like if i were to be in England with her. It'll be so much fun, especially when it comes to shopping and travelling. I mean, she would be someone who I can do those things freely and more comfortably...

Too bad she's always been not trusting me. She's had thoughts of me making new friends and not caring about her anymore, even to special events or just a small hang out, she thinks I won't invite her to those. So here I'm declaring: How can I do that when all I know that we share so much in common, and it's like a once in a lifetime oppurtunity to know someone so similar to me??? So word of notice: PLEASE PLEASE get over it!!!

Lost

Fallen, hopeless, desperate. Months have gone, Time passed and waits for no man, Fear draws near. It's time. I'm about to board on a once-in-a-lifetime journey of my life. It's time that I finally grow into a man..

I have no idea how my future will be like, what lies ahead of me. I don't believe in destiny or fate (although it may happen in love, i do believe in that), I follow my own footsteps and lead myself to whatever I have decided to do. Mixed feeling frightens me at this moment. I have no idea what will happen during my studies. I do hope it's going to be an experience of a lifetime.

Well, precisely at this moment, frankly, I do not know what I have to say, but I just have a feeling that I have something to say. A feeling that someone is pulling you out from a shaft after you dropped in it, but something down there is pulling you back down. A feeling that my heart and mind has been shattered into so many tiny bits like how you break a mirror, giving you 7 years of bad luck. A feeling of walking down a never-ending aisle, just like a bride seeing so many guests next to her, and up ahead is someone who she sees as her future: someone who will care and look after her for the rest of her life, and raise children and live as a family; but she was once a carefree, happy-go-lucky someone, and the aisle looked ever so long and far.

I visited my university's pre-departure briefing just yesterday night. It was quite a help. There were so many strangers sitting right where I sat, but they all seemed so.. so.. well, they gave me a sense of familiarity. They are people who will be studying together at the same time as I do at the same place, but the difference is, they're all not in my classes. I immediately felt lonely. In my mind, I told myself countless times, I must be brave to face the world and stop shying away from possible great friends and companions through the period of my study, and even maybe for life. I could not do it. God help, God speak. I can't possibly find what is the meaning of true friendship. Is it because of me, or is it because of my countless disappointing experiences my friends had constantly given me? Even during the cocktail session after the talk, i only got to know 2 new acquaintances, one a friend's friend of Wen Ching, and someone 2 years my senior. I somehow had a feeling nothing is going to happen. I hope nothing like that will ever happen when I get there. I don't wanna ever feel lonely anymore.

But I know, this is life, I keep on telling this to myself. I know I need to learn and grow sooner or later. And I pray for some higher power to guide me throughout my life, my journey, especially my long deceased father, whom I did not appreciate for the things he had done for me while he was right next to me, and only now have I learnt to look up to him, to honour him, and love him; though it is too late, but its better late than never.

"Baba, please look after me, please guide me, please help me to go on with this journey. I have fulfilled your last wish: I have finally entered a foreign U, with the help of a scholarship fund. But it is not complete yet. I will try my VERY best to uphold the name and honour of this family. I won't let you down, I promise.."

Tears of hope and joy

Hazy, hazy, hazy. The weather and the air condition is SO, SO terrible. Damn it. What is wrong with Indonesia anyway?? They just can't stop having so many forest fires huh?? Oh, and by the way, why the heck must the smoke blow in this direction? It just SO HAPPENS that the wind direction is blowing towards Msia huh?? Gosh.... If it was fog, I wouldn't dare to complain. But HAZE????? Gosh... It's smelly, like pollution, killing us all like a silent deadly weapon, you know, just like poison gas. I'm also suffering so badly through these days. I don't even know whether I should blame it on the weather, or on the number of times I go out for exercises (that's zilch. the doctor practically scolded me for only having to take "walks" at the park like a old grandpa). I don't feel well. My head's all dizzy, I feel so uneasy, sleepy all the time (well, not in the morning, but so badly later in the day). I have no idea what's going on. Even if I took the effort to jog yesterday (I couldnt go today cuz i had piano class), I didn't really feel at all different. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

Sighs, even my friend's farewell party I couldn't make it. She's leaving this coming thursday, and I felt so guilty for not going. As though I did it on purpose. Argh... I don't know how to put it in words for how i feel. She said she might have a dinner, but she still hasn't said anything about it. So i assume it's not on... Sighs, so imagine how much I highly regret not going for the farewell party, even if I was seriously ill that day. I wonder whenever I'd see all my friends who had left overseas for studying.

Speaking of which, yesterday also was a day which was a turning point of my life. Remember all the while I said i wished my best friend would go with me abroad to study in England?? Well, she was told yesterday that the results were out, but not officially on paper yet. I persuaded her to go get it. At the same time, I could also know whether there's a big chance for her to go with me. When we reached her college, she got down of the car while I took over her seat. She came back with the same expression, while I hoped for good news. Instead, she was indifferent and spilled bad news. For everyone, the usual reaction would've been disappointment. But I remembered I promised her that i'd not be disappointed. I was, which made me quite guilty, but I tried to hide it. Well, we both knew at that moment we would be separated. I was prepared with a thought that I would be going to UK alone. So I wasn't that sad though.

When the day ended, which was after dinner, she was driving me back home. I chose Ken Hirai's Sentimental Lovers CD out to listen (it was already out when we were going out for dinner, so it was already halfway thru the CD when we were coming back). Just when we were about to reach my house, it was the last 2nd song: a song that was all about being friends (it's called "Kimi wa tomodachi" meaning "you are my friend"). She asked me whether I was moved by the song after the whole song ended, i said yes. I asked her why she asked, cuz i knew she wanted to tell me she was also moved. She said don't ask. Suddenly she burst into tears. At that very moment, I was stoned, I didn't know what to do, but I managed to pat her back saying it was nothing, and everything will be alright. But when she stopped, I suddenly thought of the song lyrics. I started to feel like crying. Gosh. Seriously. I was shocked myself that, for someone who is just my friend, and for such a small matter, I cried. But I had one reason for it. I knew we would not be seeing each other for quite a while, most likely for at least 5 years.

Surprising huh? I think it's the platonic relationship we've had for 2 years. I myself could't believe that, for 2 years, we have already developed a simple friendship from a time when we would just pass by each other in the music school as say "hi!", to a relationship where we would laugh, play, fight and cry together. This is the first. And even if I had lost the moment, and things would have changed, I will never forget every single one moment that we had.

Sounded pathetic? It's the horrible experience that I had with my classmates in my school. The backstabbing, deceiving, horrible sore-losers. The worst that I have seen. The friendship with my best friend that I had was true. Those ppl suffacate me. How hard I breathe every second. Not to say that there weren't friends that I did honour back in school, but those were really rare, even close to extinction.

Say for example, that time during my concert? THAT was CLEARLY my LAST CONCERT. NOBODY, and i repeat, NOBODY, was kind enough to come over and watch me perform. And of all the times, that was the only time when I was finally praised all around me saying that out of the whole concert, my item was the best. AND NOBODY SAW ME!!! AND people I didn't expect to come, came too. SEE???

Oh well, no use complaining anyway. Like they say, accept ppl for who they are. Sorry, I don't really know whether I could do that or not. It depends on how much you have done for me, considering how much I have done for him/her.

So, I guess I had better go, or else I would be getting myself into more trouble soon...

PS: nobody even bothers to write me comments!!! I see ppl coming in here to drop by, but N-O... NO CoMmEnTs At ALL!! oh well... that proves how many friends i have already... sighs...

3 continuous days of fun and torture

Wow, three days of stuff to write bout... That's a challenge. Ok, here goes:

ON the 30th July, which was a Saturday, was a pre-departure briefing held by British Council. I took along my friend. Gosh, that day was a horror! The day started off with me and my friend teaching tuition from 9am-1pm (long huh?). When our student came, I was still showering! Just imagine how tired I was, and how much I needed sleep! Teaching was kinda a dread, but it's the passion that's driving me.. Then, we had to rush over to our music school for her piano class. After class was over, we hadn't had our lunch yet, so we ate at a restaurant nearby, something on the average scale, both taste and price. Knowing me, I don't really wear a watch nowadays, I couldn't keep track of the time. When both of us finished our meal, it was about 3.30pm already. The briefing starts at 4pm! Well, I thought it wouldn't be a problem cuz the roads would be empty on a day and time like this. But I spoke too soon. It was congested like mad! We managed to arrive at about 4.10pm and parked the car in an open air space (originally, our plan was to take the lrt there, cuz it'd be convenient). We were about 15 mins late. The talk wasn't that helpful though, cuz most of the stuff they talk bout, were already done. So, i guess the helpful stuff I got was the pre-departure pack (a folder of information actually).

We went to KLCC later to kill time before dinner. We had an idea of going to a nearby japanese restaurant that both of us were familiar of. So, we eventually did go. Gosh, was it us or was it the restaurant's fault? If we eat in a high class place, we make so much noise. If we eat in hawker stalls, we keep quiet. WHAT'S WRONG WITH US??? HAHAHA!! The food indeed was really good. We were making so many jokes, laughing like 2 incredibly mad people as though we were already drunk when all we had was just green tea. That was really funny! What I really wanna state here so I can remember were the mangoes and the macha ice cream with red beans. They were the few of the best desserts I've ever tasted. They meant a lot to me.

ON the 31st July, I was dragged for mountain climbing again, mainly just because we wanted to reach to the waterfall uphill. The journey up was a tiring one, although I felt it less exhausting if I could go on walking uphill without having to stop once in a while to wait for the slow ones, especially my sister. About 80% uphill, we came across a beautiful majestic waterfall, us standing about 2-300m away and 3-4 km tall from the bottom of the falls. That was really an experience. Wasn't able to swim in the waters when we got up to the area we wanted, cuz of my terrible cough since a few weeks ago. Believe me, the water is really cold.

We reached back down the hill at about 2.30 to 3pm. I was really tired then, so i went off to nap in the car. I wasn't aware that they were planning to stay on longer in a nearby town to have dinner. That was something that made me mad, cuz my mom had already said to me the day before that we were to go back to KL at about 3pm. I didn't expect that to happen. I was so mad at my mom for not being considerate. I told her (the day before) that I have a small meet at the music school at about 6.30pm. She knew it, but she didn't want to reject their plans. Sighs, it's difficult to say what really did happen, but to cut a long story short, me and my mom had a small quarrel over this, and eventually we set off back to KL.

The meet wasn't as interesting as I expected it to be. So after the meet, me and my friend went out to eat dinner. She then took me to see the doctor as my cough became worse day by day. So now I'm on medication.

TODAY, I was really tired from the medicines I took last night. But my mom decided to bring me and my aunt along to 1 Utama today. We walked around, ended up buying nothing, as there were nothing interesting and nothing that caught our attention.

The interesting part today was that my youngest uncle's wife gave birht to their first child, a daughter. She was beautiful, even thought physically just OK, but it was really nice to see a newborn lying down on the small bed hospitals provide, seeing them sleeping soundly. Made me feel really touched, somehow.

OK.. I really wanna talk more bout the baby, but I can't hold on much longer. Yes, I took medication. Seriously, if I go on any longer, I'd drop my head on the computer, and snore away. So I'll finish off this post next time then. Tata!