i cant believe myself now.
i'm apparently having this huge grudge on my room mate on numerous reasons. thats one. i had bread for all three of my meals today. that's two. and after spending twenty pounds on a dvd collection of Friends season 10, i watched most of the episodes today, just like a Friends marathon. that's three.
gosh... after all that, im feeling so homesick all of a sudden. i feel so blue out of nowhere. like having no one right next beside me when i needed someone. like not being able to hug someone to feel comforted, feeling that everything is gonna be alright, for all the things i've been thru. i dun see any green light around here. its like being in a foreign place (duh!) where everything is so foreign to u. everything just blurs out like that in front of u. the more u stay here, the blurer it becomes. now, it seems as tho everything is getting darker.
tho im having fun, sometimes, i still have this thing inside me that keeps telling me: "no. i cant take this any longer. how i wish to be back home where everything seems to be more familiar to me. where all my family and friends are. where everything seems to be more normal around there."
in the end, there's just another part of me saying: "this is wat i wanted originally. i cant turn back time now. it turns out bad now, but wat bout tmr? tmr would turn out fine. look ahead. dun look back. i can do this. be strong. so wat if im having problems? i usually could handle problems myself properly. think about the future. think about yourself working in another country. isnt that wat u want?"
then, i would just lift up my head and stand up straight, face the real world like an adult. be a man.
i know i cant do this myself. ppl say im strong. but inside, im really weak. im really weak without support. i feel that way now. nobody seems to care. im so alone all of a sudden....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i seemed to forget wat is the main purpose of writing this. im so lost.
i dunno whats taken over me. i think its the bread, or maybe the emotional scenes in friends. i have no idea.
i miss my dad suddenly now. how i wish he was still alive. i know he would tell me to be strong. but anyway, since he's gone, i know he is everywhere. i know he can see me. i know he hears me, praying. i know he knows of my sorrows. i miss him....
well, guess i have to keep going. i hope everythings gonna be fine. i hope my dreams would materialise. i can see myself, in a nice smart suit walking down the high street to my work place with a suitcase, or a document bag, or watever. that's where i wanna be. yea... aim for it... i'll make u proud, ppl!
~deeply missing my family and friends~
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
finally got to cook for my friends, but.....
hehe... i know my friends gonna kill me for this.
today, classes finish early, and i have time from 12pm till nite.. so i decided to choose today to cook for my friends. since one of them is dying for steam fish, i decided to do that for today. so i left my room at 5pm today, and walked all the way to tesco's to get things tt my friends tumpang me to get, and also a fish and some vegetables to cook. i got cod fish.
so when i reached my friend's place, i started rite away. i made i sure i remembered all the things i need to put into the fish... making sure it tastes as nice as my mom's cooking (which i miss deeply for, actually, hunger for.. hehe). so i got all my ingredients done, and started boiling water in a wok. after it was boiled, i placed the dish into the wok, and let it cook for bout 5 mins. when i opened it, it was just rite; the meat looked just rite, and there appeared some sauce, which i made form soy sauce ONLY, hehe.. somehow, it didnt look rite. my friend was still cooking her vege then, so i was looking at her. she took out the COOKING OIL from the cupboard. only then i realised i left that out, cuz if wanna steam fish, must put at least a bit. i brought it to the table to cool, and i had the urgeny to try how it tasted like. it tasted SO PLAIN. i dint like it. i had a notion that i wanted to throw it away, and not eat it... but my friends told me it looked ok, and there should be nothing to worry about. i felt so useless then.
when we all sat down at the table to eat, nobody did say anything bout the fish. instead, they were asking me wat i used to make it, and how i made it. when i saw the looks on their faces, they seem indifferent, but im sure in their minds, it wasnt nice at all. that was one of the reasons why i dint say anything during the dinner, and kept quiet. well, the main reason was because i wasnt feeling well at all. i wanted to go to bed, cuz i was really really sleepy. of all the times, im having an ulcer rite now. so it made me not wanna eat anything. i wasnt hungry at all then. sighs...
i left the dining table to my other friend's room, cuz she wanted some help in her work. we were brainstorming like crazy, which was a good thing, and which made me feel good bout the work i've done, and seriously, the first one ive ever done. haha.. well, it took away all my energy, and at the precise period, i had the urgency of going to the toilet. but it wasnt that bad. so i tho i could hold it in till i get back to my room, which was about 5 mins walk to my hall of residences. well, after the whole brainstorming thing, i went to get my stuff, cuz i needed to get going already (since i had a bladder urgency.. haha, and of course, tiredness). her flatmate was in, and she offered me a spring roll that she got burnt in the oven. well, i was hard to reject. so i ate it. i was chatting with my friend for a while. when i wanted to leave, another flatmate of hers came out and asked whether any of us were good at computers, cuz her comp got infected with a virus with a click of a link. hehe... i know its not funny, but the way i said it was long winded. (dun mind me). i was explaining to her the things i knew, but i couldnt help her, so i said sorry to her. then my friend offered me to drink some water as the spring roll was kinda throat-wrecking. then she remembered she owes me money for the groceries i got just now, and i remembered i owe her some money as well. so we went back to her room again to find out she dint have change, and i gave her back watever i owed her. on the way out, she gave me a pear to eat, which, btw, was really nice and sweet. im tempted to get some next time.. hehe...
so FINALLY i got out of the flat. when i got out, it was raining, and the wind was blowing so strongly. being as sick as i m now, i felt REALLY cold while walking back to my halls. imagine this: i was holding an umbrella (yes, i bring umbrellas out all the time) with one hand, the other scrumptiously eating the pear, and i was freezing my butts off, considering one hand was wet with the juices of the pear, and the other holding the umbrella.
i was doing my laundry yesterday nite (finally rite?). during the washing, i threw my windbreaker into the machine without checking wat i had in my pockets. after it finished washing, i took everything to the dryer, and realised i was short of coins. so i dried it for just 28 mins. when i took them all out later, the clothes were still quite wet. but i dint bother to dry them again, cuz i dint wanna go down again after bout 14 mins. when i got back into the room, i realised i was one underwear short (this is embarassing, but wat the heck). so i went down again with most of my wet clothes to dry again, finding the missing item in the dryer that i was using. when i was checking the washing machine i was using at first, i found a lip care stick, which looks really familiar. but it was all mushy, so i dint bother to hold it up and inpect it. so after my clothes were dried, i went back.
today, when i was wearing the windbreaker to tesco, i realised i was missing my lip care stick. i couldnt be bothered to walk back again to see whether it was still there, but i planned to go when i was going back to my room after the dinner. SO i did. i went there, and found that i was gone. i was heart broken, cuz i lost something that my mom gave to me. it was something that she bought for me that showed me she cared a lot bout me. till now i cant get over this small matter (as i got another one with my other stuff; she got me 2. but still, i cant get over the fact that its gone, and the smaller part of the reason is cuz it costed quite expensive).
well, im back in my room now, all dressed up for bed soon, and bladder emptied. i feel much warmer in my room, but it is still not as warm as i wanted it to be.
thanks for listening. im going to sleep.................... ZzZzZzZz...
today, classes finish early, and i have time from 12pm till nite.. so i decided to choose today to cook for my friends. since one of them is dying for steam fish, i decided to do that for today. so i left my room at 5pm today, and walked all the way to tesco's to get things tt my friends tumpang me to get, and also a fish and some vegetables to cook. i got cod fish.
so when i reached my friend's place, i started rite away. i made i sure i remembered all the things i need to put into the fish... making sure it tastes as nice as my mom's cooking (which i miss deeply for, actually, hunger for.. hehe). so i got all my ingredients done, and started boiling water in a wok. after it was boiled, i placed the dish into the wok, and let it cook for bout 5 mins. when i opened it, it was just rite; the meat looked just rite, and there appeared some sauce, which i made form soy sauce ONLY, hehe.. somehow, it didnt look rite. my friend was still cooking her vege then, so i was looking at her. she took out the COOKING OIL from the cupboard. only then i realised i left that out, cuz if wanna steam fish, must put at least a bit. i brought it to the table to cool, and i had the urgeny to try how it tasted like. it tasted SO PLAIN. i dint like it. i had a notion that i wanted to throw it away, and not eat it... but my friends told me it looked ok, and there should be nothing to worry about. i felt so useless then.
when we all sat down at the table to eat, nobody did say anything bout the fish. instead, they were asking me wat i used to make it, and how i made it. when i saw the looks on their faces, they seem indifferent, but im sure in their minds, it wasnt nice at all. that was one of the reasons why i dint say anything during the dinner, and kept quiet. well, the main reason was because i wasnt feeling well at all. i wanted to go to bed, cuz i was really really sleepy. of all the times, im having an ulcer rite now. so it made me not wanna eat anything. i wasnt hungry at all then. sighs...
i left the dining table to my other friend's room, cuz she wanted some help in her work. we were brainstorming like crazy, which was a good thing, and which made me feel good bout the work i've done, and seriously, the first one ive ever done. haha.. well, it took away all my energy, and at the precise period, i had the urgency of going to the toilet. but it wasnt that bad. so i tho i could hold it in till i get back to my room, which was about 5 mins walk to my hall of residences. well, after the whole brainstorming thing, i went to get my stuff, cuz i needed to get going already (since i had a bladder urgency.. haha, and of course, tiredness). her flatmate was in, and she offered me a spring roll that she got burnt in the oven. well, i was hard to reject. so i ate it. i was chatting with my friend for a while. when i wanted to leave, another flatmate of hers came out and asked whether any of us were good at computers, cuz her comp got infected with a virus with a click of a link. hehe... i know its not funny, but the way i said it was long winded. (dun mind me). i was explaining to her the things i knew, but i couldnt help her, so i said sorry to her. then my friend offered me to drink some water as the spring roll was kinda throat-wrecking. then she remembered she owes me money for the groceries i got just now, and i remembered i owe her some money as well. so we went back to her room again to find out she dint have change, and i gave her back watever i owed her. on the way out, she gave me a pear to eat, which, btw, was really nice and sweet. im tempted to get some next time.. hehe...
so FINALLY i got out of the flat. when i got out, it was raining, and the wind was blowing so strongly. being as sick as i m now, i felt REALLY cold while walking back to my halls. imagine this: i was holding an umbrella (yes, i bring umbrellas out all the time) with one hand, the other scrumptiously eating the pear, and i was freezing my butts off, considering one hand was wet with the juices of the pear, and the other holding the umbrella.
i was doing my laundry yesterday nite (finally rite?). during the washing, i threw my windbreaker into the machine without checking wat i had in my pockets. after it finished washing, i took everything to the dryer, and realised i was short of coins. so i dried it for just 28 mins. when i took them all out later, the clothes were still quite wet. but i dint bother to dry them again, cuz i dint wanna go down again after bout 14 mins. when i got back into the room, i realised i was one underwear short (this is embarassing, but wat the heck). so i went down again with most of my wet clothes to dry again, finding the missing item in the dryer that i was using. when i was checking the washing machine i was using at first, i found a lip care stick, which looks really familiar. but it was all mushy, so i dint bother to hold it up and inpect it. so after my clothes were dried, i went back.
today, when i was wearing the windbreaker to tesco, i realised i was missing my lip care stick. i couldnt be bothered to walk back again to see whether it was still there, but i planned to go when i was going back to my room after the dinner. SO i did. i went there, and found that i was gone. i was heart broken, cuz i lost something that my mom gave to me. it was something that she bought for me that showed me she cared a lot bout me. till now i cant get over this small matter (as i got another one with my other stuff; she got me 2. but still, i cant get over the fact that its gone, and the smaller part of the reason is cuz it costed quite expensive).
well, im back in my room now, all dressed up for bed soon, and bladder emptied. i feel much warmer in my room, but it is still not as warm as i wanted it to be.
thanks for listening. im going to sleep.................... ZzZzZzZz...
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Nice time here...
Hi's again! hehe.. Yep, I'm fine now. Was just a bit depressed that time. Of course I dint take such a long time to recover! Just lazy to write anything in my blog.. that's all. haha
dun mind if i use internet language to write my blog rite? cuz im lazy to press the 'shift' button everytime i have to. haha...
well, anybody interested in how my life is like here? yes? no? anyway, can't stop me now, cuz im starting my blabbering engine, and off we go....!!
hmm.. it's been a month since i got here in england. the first time i laid my feet on this land, my dreams were finally true. i get to experience life in a new way, a new perspective. it was already starting to get cold when i got out of the airport to the coach, included in the orientation package, which takes students to the university campus, which takes bout 2 hours to reach here. u know, the weather then wasnt at all that cold, cuz that time i tho it was really cold already. thinking back, i shouldve just wore a short sleeved t-shirt, and just khakis (jeans are warmer, duh). now, the weather is starting to get really cold, and the nights longer than the days when i just arrived.
orientation week was a bore actually. just cuz of my best friend who wanted to come on one of the days, i couldnt go to oxford, or stratford, which was included in orientation, and it was 'free'. the food kinda tastes ok; some really bad, some just ok, but none which tastes really good. but at least we got something to eat, without spending anymore of our moneys.
i made new friends, some just to get acquainted, some turned out to be course mates (not close), and some even turned out to be really good friends. i've experienced highs and lows with everyone i know here, and i got to know them better. i'm happy with how i m now. oh, there's this one friend in particular who's in my course, and also a realy good cook. i have to mention this cuz she's made food for me so many times that i havent done anything back for her yet... im, at the moment, really greatful for her doings. cheers!
my studies, well, is going alright. i basically understood much of the lectures; some were worth going, some were not as they were pointless and we already have the notes, or just plain boring and not understandable. my tests scores are generally ok. they're not great at all. its kinda tough, seriously. i dint know it would be such a challenge to study in a uni. i hope i can improve and do much better later on. i dun wanna do badly this time, as i was sponsored. i dun wanna let anyone down in many ways. i know i can do it. i just have to keep the faith in myself. i'll succeed one day...
oh, the culture here... its not bad for me.. its just that the ppl here love to club all nite (even on weekdays) and drink like crazy till they get dead drunk. that's so kewl.. haha... jk.. not as tho i wanna join them.. u ppl know me rite?? so not outgoing and boring. haha
my room mate is not as great as i thought. not mentioning anything else bout him, cuz i dun wanna get criticised again... (wanna know? ask me! be glad to spill his beans out.. haha)
hmm... wat else...? nothing else i guess... anything else, i'll come back again to disturb u ppl again! haha...
CHEERS!
[got to learn that new phrase. definition: literally, for ppl who drink to their lives. daily usage, usually in place of 'thank you'. in this case, to ur good lives! ;) ]
PS: its already starting to get dark... damn man...
dun mind if i use internet language to write my blog rite? cuz im lazy to press the 'shift' button everytime i have to. haha...
well, anybody interested in how my life is like here? yes? no? anyway, can't stop me now, cuz im starting my blabbering engine, and off we go....!!
hmm.. it's been a month since i got here in england. the first time i laid my feet on this land, my dreams were finally true. i get to experience life in a new way, a new perspective. it was already starting to get cold when i got out of the airport to the coach, included in the orientation package, which takes students to the university campus, which takes bout 2 hours to reach here. u know, the weather then wasnt at all that cold, cuz that time i tho it was really cold already. thinking back, i shouldve just wore a short sleeved t-shirt, and just khakis (jeans are warmer, duh). now, the weather is starting to get really cold, and the nights longer than the days when i just arrived.
orientation week was a bore actually. just cuz of my best friend who wanted to come on one of the days, i couldnt go to oxford, or stratford, which was included in orientation, and it was 'free'. the food kinda tastes ok; some really bad, some just ok, but none which tastes really good. but at least we got something to eat, without spending anymore of our moneys.
i made new friends, some just to get acquainted, some turned out to be course mates (not close), and some even turned out to be really good friends. i've experienced highs and lows with everyone i know here, and i got to know them better. i'm happy with how i m now. oh, there's this one friend in particular who's in my course, and also a realy good cook. i have to mention this cuz she's made food for me so many times that i havent done anything back for her yet... im, at the moment, really greatful for her doings. cheers!
my studies, well, is going alright. i basically understood much of the lectures; some were worth going, some were not as they were pointless and we already have the notes, or just plain boring and not understandable. my tests scores are generally ok. they're not great at all. its kinda tough, seriously. i dint know it would be such a challenge to study in a uni. i hope i can improve and do much better later on. i dun wanna do badly this time, as i was sponsored. i dun wanna let anyone down in many ways. i know i can do it. i just have to keep the faith in myself. i'll succeed one day...
oh, the culture here... its not bad for me.. its just that the ppl here love to club all nite (even on weekdays) and drink like crazy till they get dead drunk. that's so kewl.. haha... jk.. not as tho i wanna join them.. u ppl know me rite?? so not outgoing and boring. haha
my room mate is not as great as i thought. not mentioning anything else bout him, cuz i dun wanna get criticised again... (wanna know? ask me! be glad to spill his beans out.. haha)
hmm... wat else...? nothing else i guess... anything else, i'll come back again to disturb u ppl again! haha...
CHEERS!
[got to learn that new phrase. definition: literally, for ppl who drink to their lives. daily usage, usually in place of 'thank you'. in this case, to ur good lives! ;) ]
PS: its already starting to get dark... damn man...
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Got one or two pics that I wanna share with you guys...
This pic was taken before I left to the UK. I was with 2 of my friends from school. From left: Etta, Mei and of course, me.
I'm supposed to put up pictures which I took them at school with Mei and my 2 good teachers, but I guess I shouldn't do that.. But well, it made me reminisce a little. When I got back to school, it was the only time when I felt so at home. Well, I didn't feel that way when I was technically studying in school, but I realised how the school got so close to me, well, not exactly, it should be the other way round. So it's a feeling that you're finally back, that sorta thing. It was nice to see my teachers again. And also the sight of all the students rushing here and there to the canteen, to classes, to meet up with classmates and friends. It reminded me of how it was like when i was in school too... I missed that feeling.
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