So homesick

i cant believe myself now.

i'm apparently having this huge grudge on my room mate on numerous reasons. thats one. i had bread for all three of my meals today. that's two. and after spending twenty pounds on a dvd collection of Friends season 10, i watched most of the episodes today, just like a Friends marathon. that's three.

gosh... after all that, im feeling so homesick all of a sudden. i feel so blue out of nowhere. like having no one right next beside me when i needed someone. like not being able to hug someone to feel comforted, feeling that everything is gonna be alright, for all the things i've been thru. i dun see any green light around here. its like being in a foreign place (duh!) where everything is so foreign to u. everything just blurs out like that in front of u. the more u stay here, the blurer it becomes. now, it seems as tho everything is getting darker.

tho im having fun, sometimes, i still have this thing inside me that keeps telling me: "no. i cant take this any longer. how i wish to be back home where everything seems to be more familiar to me. where all my family and friends are. where everything seems to be more normal around there."

in the end, there's just another part of me saying: "this is wat i wanted originally. i cant turn back time now. it turns out bad now, but wat bout tmr? tmr would turn out fine. look ahead. dun look back. i can do this. be strong. so wat if im having problems? i usually could handle problems myself properly. think about the future. think about yourself working in another country. isnt that wat u want?"

then, i would just lift up my head and stand up straight, face the real world like an adult. be a man.

i know i cant do this myself. ppl say im strong. but inside, im really weak. im really weak without support. i feel that way now. nobody seems to care. im so alone all of a sudden....
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i seemed to forget wat is the main purpose of writing this. im so lost.
i dunno whats taken over me. i think its the bread, or maybe the emotional scenes in friends. i have no idea.

i miss my dad suddenly now. how i wish he was still alive. i know he would tell me to be strong. but anyway, since he's gone, i know he is everywhere. i know he can see me. i know he hears me, praying. i know he knows of my sorrows. i miss him....

well, guess i have to keep going. i hope everythings gonna be fine. i hope my dreams would materialise. i can see myself, in a nice smart suit walking down the high street to my work place with a suitcase, or a document bag, or watever. that's where i wanna be. yea... aim for it... i'll make u proud, ppl!

~deeply missing my family and friends~