A day out with long forgotten friends

Yes, the title says it all. And no, it's not at all that fun. I was looking forward to a better outing with my school friends, who were supposed to be my really really good friends...

The day started quite well. I ended up getting really bad scolding from my mom, and both of us were crying... Well, I don't wanna talk about that. I had thoughts about the meeting. I remember the day before when i saw a guy who used to be a good friend of mine (betrayal) online. I asked him whether he knew about the outing today. He said yes. I don't recall him saying that the purpose of this meet up was for me as I am about to leave for UK. Instead, he told me he hadn't seen another friend of mine (she asked me out first) for quite some time, so that was shy he was going. I didn't feel happy then.

So I was thinking about going. He was the reason why I didn't wanna go today. I had doubts about going. After the fight that I had with my mom, I told her I didn't wanna go. I was sure. It was my mom who told me that I should go, as they had the sincerity of asking me to go out and seeing me. I should not cancel the meet.

I gave in. I had to go. After countless times of rejecting offers of hanging out with them, I can't say no now. Furthurmore, I really missed the one who asked me out.

I got there early. I was expecting a call, instead of me waiting at their designated place of meet up. I walked around, window shopped a bit. However, no call. So I decided to go there instead. There, I met him. Then my pet sister. Then her. Yes, just 4 of us.

The things that they talked about was out of my league. I had completely no idea what they were talking about. And in most of their conversations, I either laughed a bit at their jokes, or sat there dumbfounded, not saying anything. I noticed she asked me why I was so quiet, for maybe about 4 to 5 times today, although I didn't tell her what the reason was. I felt very uncomfortable around them. They were in their own world, and I was alone in my own world. And moreover, I noticed, most of the time, everything was focused on his stuff, not mine, though I thought the idea of this meet up was for me, not for him. I didn't want to complain. I was happy to see her, and that was all I asked for.

I'm starting to realise that I am not fit to be their friends anymore. I felt a strange separation in between us, like I am one magnet, and all three of them one magnet, both facing each other with the 'like' sides.

I received a message from a good friend of mine, a classmate since form4 and A levels and also going to the UK, saying that she wanted me to attend a farewell lunch. At the sound of that, I thought at first it was for me. I thought it was so nice of her to ask me out, to see me. But in the last message, she then told me it was her's, not mine. I got so depressed.

I started to ask myself: Who am I to all these people? Am I a someone, or a nobody? I figured it as the latter. No body understood me. The thought that kept me going was to believe in myself, and not get pulled down by people who despise me, who doesn't care about me. I've learnt how to be strong, and I will be strong.

My idea of an outing is just very simple. I went out with a friend of mine who I just known not long ago, in the theory of driving class. I've kept in touch with her, but I had not been able to see her since then. She popped a message in my mobile, asking whether I was free to go out and 'yum cha' with her. I said sure, since no one was at home, and I'm sure it was purely because of my departure. We had an exciting talk over a drink and "mee goreng"-s, and she also came over to my house, wanting to listen to me play the piano as she was unable to attend the last concert. I was happy to know she really wanted to see me perform, and I was happy to show her. I had fun.

Well, I am speechless now. I have nothing else to say. I hope my life would turn out to be better someday. Even the smallest of things that can make me smile and remind me that being alive on this puny earth is all worth it, the hard work I put into everything was all worth it. That's all I ask for...