Tears of hope and joy

Hazy, hazy, hazy. The weather and the air condition is SO, SO terrible. Damn it. What is wrong with Indonesia anyway?? They just can't stop having so many forest fires huh?? Oh, and by the way, why the heck must the smoke blow in this direction? It just SO HAPPENS that the wind direction is blowing towards Msia huh?? Gosh.... If it was fog, I wouldn't dare to complain. But HAZE????? Gosh... It's smelly, like pollution, killing us all like a silent deadly weapon, you know, just like poison gas. I'm also suffering so badly through these days. I don't even know whether I should blame it on the weather, or on the number of times I go out for exercises (that's zilch. the doctor practically scolded me for only having to take "walks" at the park like a old grandpa). I don't feel well. My head's all dizzy, I feel so uneasy, sleepy all the time (well, not in the morning, but so badly later in the day). I have no idea what's going on. Even if I took the effort to jog yesterday (I couldnt go today cuz i had piano class), I didn't really feel at all different. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

Sighs, even my friend's farewell party I couldn't make it. She's leaving this coming thursday, and I felt so guilty for not going. As though I did it on purpose. Argh... I don't know how to put it in words for how i feel. She said she might have a dinner, but she still hasn't said anything about it. So i assume it's not on... Sighs, so imagine how much I highly regret not going for the farewell party, even if I was seriously ill that day. I wonder whenever I'd see all my friends who had left overseas for studying.

Speaking of which, yesterday also was a day which was a turning point of my life. Remember all the while I said i wished my best friend would go with me abroad to study in England?? Well, she was told yesterday that the results were out, but not officially on paper yet. I persuaded her to go get it. At the same time, I could also know whether there's a big chance for her to go with me. When we reached her college, she got down of the car while I took over her seat. She came back with the same expression, while I hoped for good news. Instead, she was indifferent and spilled bad news. For everyone, the usual reaction would've been disappointment. But I remembered I promised her that i'd not be disappointed. I was, which made me quite guilty, but I tried to hide it. Well, we both knew at that moment we would be separated. I was prepared with a thought that I would be going to UK alone. So I wasn't that sad though.

When the day ended, which was after dinner, she was driving me back home. I chose Ken Hirai's Sentimental Lovers CD out to listen (it was already out when we were going out for dinner, so it was already halfway thru the CD when we were coming back). Just when we were about to reach my house, it was the last 2nd song: a song that was all about being friends (it's called "Kimi wa tomodachi" meaning "you are my friend"). She asked me whether I was moved by the song after the whole song ended, i said yes. I asked her why she asked, cuz i knew she wanted to tell me she was also moved. She said don't ask. Suddenly she burst into tears. At that very moment, I was stoned, I didn't know what to do, but I managed to pat her back saying it was nothing, and everything will be alright. But when she stopped, I suddenly thought of the song lyrics. I started to feel like crying. Gosh. Seriously. I was shocked myself that, for someone who is just my friend, and for such a small matter, I cried. But I had one reason for it. I knew we would not be seeing each other for quite a while, most likely for at least 5 years.

Surprising huh? I think it's the platonic relationship we've had for 2 years. I myself could't believe that, for 2 years, we have already developed a simple friendship from a time when we would just pass by each other in the music school as say "hi!", to a relationship where we would laugh, play, fight and cry together. This is the first. And even if I had lost the moment, and things would have changed, I will never forget every single one moment that we had.

Sounded pathetic? It's the horrible experience that I had with my classmates in my school. The backstabbing, deceiving, horrible sore-losers. The worst that I have seen. The friendship with my best friend that I had was true. Those ppl suffacate me. How hard I breathe every second. Not to say that there weren't friends that I did honour back in school, but those were really rare, even close to extinction.

Say for example, that time during my concert? THAT was CLEARLY my LAST CONCERT. NOBODY, and i repeat, NOBODY, was kind enough to come over and watch me perform. And of all the times, that was the only time when I was finally praised all around me saying that out of the whole concert, my item was the best. AND NOBODY SAW ME!!! AND people I didn't expect to come, came too. SEE???

Oh well, no use complaining anyway. Like they say, accept ppl for who they are. Sorry, I don't really know whether I could do that or not. It depends on how much you have done for me, considering how much I have done for him/her.

So, I guess I had better go, or else I would be getting myself into more trouble soon...

PS: nobody even bothers to write me comments!!! I see ppl coming in here to drop by, but N-O... NO CoMmEnTs At ALL!! oh well... that proves how many friends i have already... sighs...