So everything was a misunderstanding. I didn't expect the whole problem to end this way, although this is a happier ending. So guys, don't worry. I'm fine now. We've cleared up all our misunderstandings, and now still best of friends.
That happened on the 29th.
On the 30th, I was 'invited' to a birthday party. Sort of like a hang out. I attended it. I got there at about 5.10pm, and since it was still quite early, I walked around a bit. At 5.30pm, I called my friend, asking him where he was. Only then I met up with them. They were playing snooker, and I was there to chat with my friends, who I've never seen for such a long time. It felt.. nice. I mean, sometimes, it was quite difficult to talk to them, but then, I felt so much more relaxed when I was with them. We had dinner at Chili's. Damn, it was like a photo-taking session. 2 of my friends brought cameras, and some of us had a camera on our phone.
My best friend and I had a 'date' on that day again, so I rushed back by train so that I could make it on time. We went to have some desserts, which are impossible to find in UK. She had to leave at 10pm, but while she was sending me back home, she said she actually wanted me to follow her to a meet up later. Since I had not anything to do even if I went back, I agreed to follow her. It was a rendesvous at the 'mamak' with her high school friends. Well, since I knew all of her friends previously, I wasn't really left out, although I thought I would be. The events on the day, overall, were fun.
Then comes 31st. New Year's Eve. Due to somethings, I went out with my best friend for the whole day since 11am. We were out in BB: to the karaoke, to get my webcams (yes, now you can see me while I'm in UK =P), to countdown. At night, it was really crowded. We were trying to get out of Sungai Wang to Maybank which is nearby. It was horrible. People shoving and pushing. To make things worse, they were spraying party sprays and, worse, 'snow' sprays. We had to stick together. She told me that this happened on Christmas eve too, and if they see a couple, they wouldn't dare to spray on them. So we did the same. We had to hold hands 'visibly' so that they could leave us alone. Funny huh?
We couldn't stand the environment, so we decided to go to a cafe cum bar place in Starhill. The place was lovely. We had chats the whole night. I was being adventurous, so I wanted to try drinking tequila. Luckily, I didn't get drunk. Well, something happened at 12am, so I was left alone at my table to countdown by myself. It was depressing, but considering the atmosphere and the place, it wasn't that bad afterall. Well, it's ok.
Sorry if this post isn't at all that interesting. I just wanted to write down all these things so that I won't forget anything that happened these days. Sorry if my english isn't that good today, because I'm not really in a good mood (which was created by my mom). But, please to do leave comments! =)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
A whole new world
So I was really upset those 2 days. What a waste of my precious time.
Think about it. A friend, who remained to be your true friend for 2 years, leaves you aside for her newly-found boyfriend, who she is in love truly, madly, deeply. It's absurd. Who would fall for that? I know I did. And you guessed it: it sucked.
It's the end of it finally. I don't know what she wants to do. Neither do I know whether I can forgive her for all the lies she's told me, all the promises she's broken, not being true at all. Look at it this way: Previously, she treated friends equally, but with different levels of sincerity, with respect to the friendship factor (as in who is more important in one's life than the other). I am one of her best friends. She admitted it herself too. Now, it's totally different. Her boyfriend on the highest level, and all her other friends, regardless of levelling, on the bottom. I can't accept that. I try to, but I can't. It's ridiculous. She mentioned that she wouldn't be a 100% lover, and it isn't what it seems now. She's having a lot of problems too, but now, none of them matter to me anymore.
While I was showering this morning (I was out straight after I woke up for breakfast, and talked to her, which made me upset again), I knew I had to change. I can't dwell on this problem any longer. I've got other important things to do, not to forget an exam that I have to sit for on the first day of 2nd term. If I want to change, I would need to change drastically. I want a new life. I want to change my way of looking at things. I can't live a life which makes me feel so useless everytime. I looked myself in the mirror. I looked refreshed. I feel brand new.
It's time for me to change. Everybody around me is changing, why can't I? Somebody will change. Change is necessary. I treated this fact like dump. I never took it seriously. But I still need to change. I'm waking up to a brand new world...
Think about it. A friend, who remained to be your true friend for 2 years, leaves you aside for her newly-found boyfriend, who she is in love truly, madly, deeply. It's absurd. Who would fall for that? I know I did. And you guessed it: it sucked.
It's the end of it finally. I don't know what she wants to do. Neither do I know whether I can forgive her for all the lies she's told me, all the promises she's broken, not being true at all. Look at it this way: Previously, she treated friends equally, but with different levels of sincerity, with respect to the friendship factor (as in who is more important in one's life than the other). I am one of her best friends. She admitted it herself too. Now, it's totally different. Her boyfriend on the highest level, and all her other friends, regardless of levelling, on the bottom. I can't accept that. I try to, but I can't. It's ridiculous. She mentioned that she wouldn't be a 100% lover, and it isn't what it seems now. She's having a lot of problems too, but now, none of them matter to me anymore.
While I was showering this morning (I was out straight after I woke up for breakfast, and talked to her, which made me upset again), I knew I had to change. I can't dwell on this problem any longer. I've got other important things to do, not to forget an exam that I have to sit for on the first day of 2nd term. If I want to change, I would need to change drastically. I want a new life. I want to change my way of looking at things. I can't live a life which makes me feel so useless everytime. I looked myself in the mirror. I looked refreshed. I feel brand new.
It's time for me to change. Everybody around me is changing, why can't I? Somebody will change. Change is necessary. I treated this fact like dump. I never took it seriously. But I still need to change. I'm waking up to a brand new world...
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
The death of.. me: An Epilogue
Life sucks so badly. I have to say that again. Seriously.
SO now people would be asking why I'm saying all those morbid stuff on my previous post. Well, for those who really do read my blog, and those who really DID ask why, which I'm not that certain of.
It's complicated. If I ever were to say it here, it would have either been an essay stating the simplest thing that I'm mad about and you saying i'm a fool, or an essay worth 1500-2000 words, which I have not the patience to write out. (Not to forget the expensive broadband expenses that I have to pay for blindly.)
So I have decided not to say anything.
I'm full of emotions. Mixed emotions, that is. Like I said, it's complicated. I feel like strangling someone. I feel like stabbing a knife on someone's chest, or slicing someone's throat. Somehow, I can't do that. What I want to do is to go somewhere, somewhere high or wide (you guessed it, a hilltop or the sea). I want to scream my lungs out. Ironically, someone had just left for PD, a beach. A beach long ago a famous tourist spot, now, a filthy trashing spot. I have not an intention at all to go there. Only fools and idiots go there to have fun. (Anybody who writes a comment about this is not my problem. I intended this, and it's a true fact.)
I cried again after putting up that post. So that makes the 4th time. Today, I wasn't that angry anymore, but instead, my mind was spinning around, my heart rushing and stopping constantly, my body physically weak and strengthless. I hate that feeling. I never feel 'normal'. This time, it's all because of someone. Not love. It's friendship. I've never ever done that IN MY WHOLE LIFE, not until I've met this person. It's absolute rubbish. What guy would do that?? I feel like a complete idiot. FOR A FRIEND?!?! Gosh. Stop it. It's not worth the effort, nor my tears shed like raindrops on leaves. A friend who is true to you wouldn't let you cry. Nobody does. Why this one, the only exception?
Now I know how it feels to break up with your love. The feeling is exactly like this. Now i understand how it hurts to be 'dumped', leaving him/her crying the whole day, leaving the 'dumped' clueless on why this had to happen.
You know who you are. I've decided this has to end. Friends mean a lot to me, practically the whole world to me. If you don't know how bad this feels, then too bad. Because of that someone you're dating, you delibrately turned me down, leaving me down and under for 2 days, and this may not end so easily, maybe stretching up to a year. You have never thought how I felt when you said those words in front of me. I tried to understand, but the more I thought of it, the more it didn't make sense. You've ended a beautiful friendship. Your promises are broken, and see what is happening. I THANK YOU for what you have done. I really appreciate everything you have done.
Think about it. A 'YES' can cause such a disasterous consequence.
Thank you.
SO now people would be asking why I'm saying all those morbid stuff on my previous post. Well, for those who really do read my blog, and those who really DID ask why, which I'm not that certain of.
It's complicated. If I ever were to say it here, it would have either been an essay stating the simplest thing that I'm mad about and you saying i'm a fool, or an essay worth 1500-2000 words, which I have not the patience to write out. (Not to forget the expensive broadband expenses that I have to pay for blindly.)
So I have decided not to say anything.
I'm full of emotions. Mixed emotions, that is. Like I said, it's complicated. I feel like strangling someone. I feel like stabbing a knife on someone's chest, or slicing someone's throat. Somehow, I can't do that. What I want to do is to go somewhere, somewhere high or wide (you guessed it, a hilltop or the sea). I want to scream my lungs out. Ironically, someone had just left for PD, a beach. A beach long ago a famous tourist spot, now, a filthy trashing spot. I have not an intention at all to go there. Only fools and idiots go there to have fun. (Anybody who writes a comment about this is not my problem. I intended this, and it's a true fact.)
I cried again after putting up that post. So that makes the 4th time. Today, I wasn't that angry anymore, but instead, my mind was spinning around, my heart rushing and stopping constantly, my body physically weak and strengthless. I hate that feeling. I never feel 'normal'. This time, it's all because of someone. Not love. It's friendship. I've never ever done that IN MY WHOLE LIFE, not until I've met this person. It's absolute rubbish. What guy would do that?? I feel like a complete idiot. FOR A FRIEND?!?! Gosh. Stop it. It's not worth the effort, nor my tears shed like raindrops on leaves. A friend who is true to you wouldn't let you cry. Nobody does. Why this one, the only exception?
Now I know how it feels to break up with your love. The feeling is exactly like this. Now i understand how it hurts to be 'dumped', leaving him/her crying the whole day, leaving the 'dumped' clueless on why this had to happen.
You know who you are. I've decided this has to end. Friends mean a lot to me, practically the whole world to me. If you don't know how bad this feels, then too bad. Because of that someone you're dating, you delibrately turned me down, leaving me down and under for 2 days, and this may not end so easily, maybe stretching up to a year. You have never thought how I felt when you said those words in front of me. I tried to understand, but the more I thought of it, the more it didn't make sense. You've ended a beautiful friendship. Your promises are broken, and see what is happening. I THANK YOU for what you have done. I really appreciate everything you have done.
Think about it. A 'YES' can cause such a disasterous consequence.
Thank you.
Monday, December 26, 2005
101 things I would always remember
Life sucks. You heard me. Life sucks. Piece of shit. Hate the whole world, for all I care. No love, no peace, no innocence. You suck. Eat shit. Like that. Take my word. Life sucks.
Moreover, there is no one, anywhere around you, that you can trust. Where is the love???
I hate you. I hate her. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate compassion. I hate torment. I hate forgiveness. I hate music, wine and dance. I hate pleasure. I hate excitement. I hate.....
Mother Mary, please take my life. I can't find a reason to be on this wretched planet. WHY ON EARTH DID YOU SEND ME HERE????? I didn't choose to live like this. NO........ I have no choice at all. I'm useless. I can't take it anymore. Take my life away. Please, i beg of you.
Alone in my thoughts, alone in my sleep, alone in my breath, alone in my life, alone......
Forgive and forget: Lies. All Lies. There is no such thing in this world. Reality sucks. Locked.
No one is your friend. No one.
I'm lost.
Pledge my heart, my body, my soul. I get nothing. I have no reason. I was framed, fooled, famished. Death.
Love no one. Kill no one. Hurt no one.
Born in the wrong family. Born with the wrong faith. Born with the worst fate.
Die with honour. Die with integrity. Die with pride and contempt. All gone, all gone.
Troubled. Confused. Ill-fated. Mourn for me, but don't cry for me. I deserve to live this way. I'm already dead. On the 26th of December, 2005. The day after the holiest occasion in the world. My death will symbolise eternity; that there is no good of God, no good on Earth, no light in day, no afterlife after death.
Don't worry about me. I'm definitely sane. The only thing not right is that I would be insane.
You think there is equality, fairness in judgement, and unbiasness? You're definitely wrong. No one cares about you. Neither your feelings. No one realises your existence. No one knows you.
I give up. I can't think of any other way to describe how I felt.
(Note to self: 3rd time I cried because of a friend. This will not happen again.)
Moreover, there is no one, anywhere around you, that you can trust. Where is the love???
I hate you. I hate her. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate compassion. I hate torment. I hate forgiveness. I hate music, wine and dance. I hate pleasure. I hate excitement. I hate.....
Mother Mary, please take my life. I can't find a reason to be on this wretched planet. WHY ON EARTH DID YOU SEND ME HERE????? I didn't choose to live like this. NO........ I have no choice at all. I'm useless. I can't take it anymore. Take my life away. Please, i beg of you.
Alone in my thoughts, alone in my sleep, alone in my breath, alone in my life, alone......
Forgive and forget: Lies. All Lies. There is no such thing in this world. Reality sucks. Locked.
No one is your friend. No one.
I'm lost.
Pledge my heart, my body, my soul. I get nothing. I have no reason. I was framed, fooled, famished. Death.
Love no one. Kill no one. Hurt no one.
Born in the wrong family. Born with the wrong faith. Born with the worst fate.
Die with honour. Die with integrity. Die with pride and contempt. All gone, all gone.
Troubled. Confused. Ill-fated. Mourn for me, but don't cry for me. I deserve to live this way. I'm already dead. On the 26th of December, 2005. The day after the holiest occasion in the world. My death will symbolise eternity; that there is no good of God, no good on Earth, no light in day, no afterlife after death.
Don't worry about me. I'm definitely sane. The only thing not right is that I would be insane.
You think there is equality, fairness in judgement, and unbiasness? You're definitely wrong. No one cares about you. Neither your feelings. No one realises your existence. No one knows you.
I give up. I can't think of any other way to describe how I felt.
(Note to self: 3rd time I cried because of a friend. This will not happen again.)
Monday, December 12, 2005
The moon: Bright on one side, Dark on the other
BETRAYAL
so finally i know who are the people who i know i can trust, people who i can talk to without worrying about getting my facts spilt over the floor. and the thing is, no one is trustworthy at all in my circle of friends. anyway, my circle isn't perfectly round. it's either a few circles, or the circle isn't a circle at all, maybe some doodle with holes at a few edges..
point is, even if they are 'trustworthy', they just cant keep their pie-holes shut sometimes. and to make things worse, surprises arent surprises anymore.
i dun have a problem. i realised how much i need to keep things to myself now. i used to think friends mean the world to me, and i should get them as involved in my life as possible. its different now. i'm gonna differentiate the who's who treats me as their friend, and those who treats me like a all-time multi-millionaire celebrity (oh, how flattering that is).
hmm.. looking on the bright side, no one gets offended here (thank god). i just hope life is smooth sailing thru bad and good times. just trying to get things out of my way and not make things worse.
have a nice day!
so finally i know who are the people who i know i can trust, people who i can talk to without worrying about getting my facts spilt over the floor. and the thing is, no one is trustworthy at all in my circle of friends. anyway, my circle isn't perfectly round. it's either a few circles, or the circle isn't a circle at all, maybe some doodle with holes at a few edges..
point is, even if they are 'trustworthy', they just cant keep their pie-holes shut sometimes. and to make things worse, surprises arent surprises anymore.
i dun have a problem. i realised how much i need to keep things to myself now. i used to think friends mean the world to me, and i should get them as involved in my life as possible. its different now. i'm gonna differentiate the who's who treats me as their friend, and those who treats me like a all-time multi-millionaire celebrity (oh, how flattering that is).
hmm.. looking on the bright side, no one gets offended here (thank god). i just hope life is smooth sailing thru bad and good times. just trying to get things out of my way and not make things worse.
have a nice day!
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